Chapter Fourteen

Dave made his way back to his apartment, his mind working backwards over the years until he reached the memories he tried so hard to keep away. Opening the front door and going straight into his bedroom he paused long enough to throw his jacket on to the bed before opening the door of the walk in closet. He ran his fingers across the handle less door that was fitted flush against the back of the closet until he found the pressure release that allowed it to slide open. Opening one of the drawers set into the wall behind he pulled a large box out and took it back to the bedroom, sitting on the bed he opened it and pulled out a slightly smaller box and ring binder. Slowly he opened the folder and turned the plastic pages over one by one, reading the news reports from his lowest period. He found it hard to believe he’d been that guy but the proof was always there for him to see. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d looked at it but he knew it had been a good few years now. He could still remember the feeling of horror as his Mom had wordlessly handed him the file.

His Mom had sat silently and watched his face as he’d read the cuttings, most of the stuff he couldn’t remember other stuff he could and it had hurt, hurt so fucking much to see it laid out in front of him. Even just thinking about the conversation that day was still painful.

“Mom why are you showing me this?” he whispered

“Just read it son.”

He continued reading through copies of his court paperwork, detailed medical reports, glancing at his mom from time to time until finally he’d finished.

“What’s in the box ?.”

“Open it”

Slowly he undid the string and pulled the lid open, inside photos of Jack smiled up at him, quickly he rifled through paintings, school reports.

“What the fuck is this, is this your way of trying to get back at me for what I put you through?”

“It’s not son”

“Well what the fucking hell is it then? all this stuff with Jack” he raged at her his dark eyes hard and cold “You’re just rubbing fucking my face in it. Don’t you think I’ve been through enough lately? I don’t need you doing this, I don’t need you showing me how much I fucked up my life.”

“David” she looked up at him calmly “That’s not the reason at all . I wanted you to read it so you could see how you were , David this is what you were, promise me you’ll never ever become that man again.”

“So why give it me now?”

“Because you’re my son and I love you more than anything else in the world. You’ve decided to get help and I’m proud of you, you’ve stayed clean for 6 months and I know it’s hard for you but you’ve done it, I wanted to give you this so that if it all begins to get too much, you can look at it and see how you were before, see what you missed with Jack and hopefully it will stop you going there again.”

She sat next to him and lifted the box onto her lap “All this in here is everything you ever missed out on with Jack, photo’s, school reports, paintings, sports days. I wanted you to be able to see them someday.”

“Does Jo know you have all this stuff?”

Guiltily she shook her head “No it’s stuff I collected for you,”

Dave looked at her seeing how hard she was trying to be strong and not burst into tears, “I never gave up on you, I knew you’d get here one day, I just wanted you to see everything you missed, look at this” she pulled out an envelope and unwrapped a small piece of tissue “A couple of Jacks first baby teeth.”

“How the hell did you get those?” he breathed

“He was staying at mine when they came out so I saved them for you.”

Slowly she went through the box pulling out other things, telling him the stories behind them.

“Mom are there any photos of me and Jack together?”

She smiled and nodded her head “I took lots of those, every time you were together I took films and films of them.”

She pulled an envelope from the bottom of the box “In here look” she pulled out a handful of photos and handed them to Dave. Smiling as his face lit up as he saw himself with Jack. “ Mom I don’t remember any of this” he whispered showing her a few photos and frowned when he saw her face cloud over.

“I know you don’t” she said simply “That weekend was the worst I ever saw you.”

“What about Jack? I mean ….”

She took his hand “He was too young to really understand what was wrong, why you were that way, I shielded it from him, but that weekend was….”

“Mom whats wrong?” he asked as she paused and wiped at the tears threatening to fall “What did I do?”

“Nothing…David, it doesn’t matter for now.”

Mom tell me, I want to know what I did, did I harm Jack somehow.”

“No David you’d never have done that, no matter what state you were in.”

“So what was it then?” He looked at her “Please I need to know.”

“That weekend you were so bad you were taking anything you could get your hands on and thinking I didn’t know, I stood and watched you emptying bags of rubbish over your kitchen floor looking for your stuff that’s how desperate you were, when I left you I thought that that would be the last time I’d ever see you alive.”

“I was really that bad?”

Looking at him she nodded “Thank God it wasn’t.”

“Mom” Suddenly he put his arms around her and burst into tears “I’m sorry.”

“Shush it’s ok” she soothed as he sobbed against her chest, it’s ok, it’s ok”

“Mom” he asked as his tears subsided

“What”

“Did you ever hate me when I was like that?”

“No, how could I”

“Did you ever want to give up on me?”

“No, never,”

“How come? I would have done if I’d have been you.”

“David how do you feel about Jack?”

“that I’d give my life for him of course.”

“Well that’s exactly how I feel about you, you may be a grown up but you are always going to be my son and I’m always going to love you whatever you do.”

“Mom I’m going to make it up to Jack you, know but I’m so so scared you know, I’m scared that I’m going to fall back again, or I’m going to do something to fu….I mean stuff up with Jack.”

“You won’t David, you won’t because this time you want to do it, I know it’s going to be hard but I know that this time you’ll be ok.”

“I’m still scared though.”

“We’ll take it one day at a time, I know you’ve got Jen now, but I’m here whenever you need me ok.”

“Ok.”

“Mum”

“Yes”

“Thank you for never giving up on me.”

“How could I ever do that huh.” she’d smiled “David when you have some as special as you in your life you’ll do everything you can to keep them not matter what they’ve done in the past or what they’ll do in the future.”

Carefully he placed the box and folder into the outer box and replaced them back in his closet.

“Mom you were right” he whispered to himself remembering the last words of the conversation that day “I have to stop being scared and tell her before I lose her completely.”

Picking up his jacket from where he’d thrown it earlier he slung it over his shoulder, picked his keys up from the side table in the hall and left for Callans.

“Nathe I need more chocolate” Callan moaned as the adverts came on

“Calsie you’ve never eaten all that already have you?” he asked in surprise before looking at the empty bowl on her lap.

“Err yeah,” She blushed turning her head to look up at him

“There should be some more in the fridge.”

“Will you go and get it for me I’m too comfortable to move?”

“Lazy arse.” Nathe laughed

“Please….”

“OK ok I’ll get you some, you’ll have to move though, he shifted his legs and lifted Callan’s head from where it was comfortably resting on his knees.

“Ok” she sighed making Nathan laugh again

“ Do you want me to get you your chocolate or do you want me to stay and be your personal pillow all evening?”

“Just go and get me the chocolate already.” she smiled.”Then you can come back and be my pillow ok, oh and bring more Pepsi, I might get thirsty again.”

“Yes Mistress, your every wish is my command” he bowed chuckling before heading towards the kitchen

Leaning back into the warm space left by Nathan she closed her eyes trying to push away the image of Dave’s face in the restaurant earlier out of her mind. She jumped at the sound of the doorbell, always hating hearing it at that time of night

“Nathe” she called

“It’s alright Calsie I’ll get it”

“Ok”

She listened hard trying to make out the muffled voices she could hear out in the hall, “Nathe?” she called again.

“Calsie theres someone to see you.”

“Me?”

She turned on the sofa a worried look on her face and found herself looking straight into Dave’s dark eyes “Callan we need to talk”

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