Chapter 32
After Natasha arrived home, she picked up a letter, which was lying on the floor. Before she could open it, she straightened and looked around. A faint smell caught her nose. It was so familiar from somewhere, but she couldn’t recognize it or locate its source. She found it strange, but after a few moments she just shrugged and opened the letter from the dancing school with sad eyes – she knew what it would contain. Another warning from the school came, because another parent complained from one of her classes and the school said that if there were any more complaints she would be fired on the spot.
She felt numb, empty as she sat down onto that very place where Dave was sitting that afternoon. She leant back on the sofa, still wearing her grey coat. Yes, she felt so grey and empty like a doll. Slowly she lost all of her emotions, all the will to fight against her situation, all her will to break free from Yuri’s vicious circle. Now she hadn’t got anything to fight for. She was alone. She lost her Dave a long time ago and now she’ll leave the last normal connection in her new life: the dancing school. Because she knew when she should stop. Her heart’ll break, but she knows when it’s time to quit and pack her things. She’d hate herself even more, if she gave bad lessons for her lovely little girls! As she imagined their sad faces, her tears started to fall. Here was another important thing she needed to give up in her life…Again. Slowly Yuri took away everything that could comfort Nat a bit, keeping her sanity in this shameful and disgusting situation…
Nat just sat there, sobbing loudly when she imagined her life without her adorable pupils… it hurt her especially that she won’t be able to see Rosie either. But maybe it’ll be better for everyone.
“There’s no need for anyone to know about my problems…” she sighed and wiped her tears away “Everything’ll be fine. Everything will be fine….” she whispered to herself and rubbed her aching wrists. Yuri was rough to her today as well.
After she finished her shower and stopped crying because of her dance classes, she prepared for her last lesson. Today at the end of it she’ll announce her decision that she won’t teach there anymore…
As she walked up to the school's main door, Rosie ran to her and grabbed her in a child's exaggerated hug. "Hi Nat - are you feeling better today?" she looked up hopefully into her idol's face, having asked the question she always asked, and expecting the same reply - that Nat was fine but just a little tired. Nat usually managed to accompany this lie with a fake smile, and then lose herself in the class for its duration, but today Rosie didn't get her answer - or her smile - Nat looked puzzled as she pulled away slightly from Rosie...
"So who brought you today? Mummy?" It was the parents' habit to park down the road and let their girls run - or race - to the doors of the school.
"No - it was my Dad today - why do you ask, Nat?" Rosie mirrored Nat's puzzled look.
Nat had just smelt that same fragrance that she had discovered in her flat a few hours ago.... and now she knew that Dave had been to her place! Her eyes widened momentarily, but then she regained her composure, and replied "Ah - it doesn't matter - I just thought I saw her drive past, that's all." Nat forced a little smile onto her face and sighed at length. Then she took Rosie's hand and they went into the school together, Rosie's eyes never leaving Nat's face, as if she could tell that today's lesson would be different somehow...
During the lesson Nat’s eyes got teary time after time as she leant against the piano, while the old lady was playing a soft piece and the girls were concentrating hard on the choreography. She loved to see the enthusiasm on their clear faces, the joy when they managed to perform the figures and steps and jumps correctly… the way they smiled up at her… And now she must say goodbye to this little happy place… to this little safe word, where no one hurt her ever… Where Yuri couldn’t come…
Memories came back from her first day here… then the lesson she gave… that strange but beautiful day when she finally gave herself to her beloved David right on this floor… Oh, how she missed his touch, his smile, his voice, his fragrance, his body… his comforting words… even his lame jokes! Her body tensed and she needed to choke a painful yell and fight her tears back. She was watching Rosie with sad eyes. She really had talent in dancing, she hoped she’ll continue this way. Natasha looked up at the clock on the wall and sighed. It was time to praise the girls and end the lesson… and end her carrier as a teacher.
Nat beckoned all the pupils to her, and sat down with them all around her. This was going to be so hard, but she owed it to these darling little girls to be as honest as she could. She was, after all, an adult that they looked up to.
"Well now, my girls - that was a great lesson and I want to praise you for your hard work. You always work hard for me - I have never been disappointed in you - not one single time.
I just hope you continue to work as hard in the future ... when someone else comes to take over my lessons ..." she felt her throat tightening ... but had to carry on ... "In fact this was the last lesson I teach here."
The girls all gasped, and some shouted "No - it's not true!" - but Nat continued ...
"I have been so tired recently, you have seen, haven't you? So I don't think I'm really teaching you as well as I did when I first came here. It's because I need to work in other places to earn enough money to live here, and the other jobs are very tiring, but pays better..."
The girls looked around at each other, as if to check out the expressions on their classmates' faces ... as if maybe they had been the only one to hear Nat saying such an unbelievable thing - but all the girls looked equally dismayed...
"So from next week there will be a new lady coming to take this class .... and ... I just wanted to say before I go ... that ... I will miss you all very much."
Some of the girls were already crying, but Nat's last words were all the remaining dry eyed ones needed to start sobbing ... Nat herself blinked back her tears, and stood up because she could see parents arriving behind the glass partition ... and among them could be the ones who had written to complain about Nat's inadequate teaching ... the last thing she wanted to do was appear before them as a weeping hysteric....
She hugged each girl individually and waved goodbye to them all - some of the parents came in to wish her well, in whatever she had chosen to do ... none asked what that was, thank goodness. ... and the parents who didn't come in were, for Nat, obviously the ones who had written, so she smiled as best she could at them. After all, it was only normal for them to want the best for their girls - it showed that they were vigilant parents, not the type who send their kids off to activities to get them out of the house...
It took at least ten minutes to say farewell to all her little girls, and as each one left the room, Nat felt she could breathe more easily… soon she would be home and able to cry herself to sleep, letting all these pent-up tears out at last. She thought that little Camilla was the last to go, and blew out a huge breath, noisily, before turning round to find Rosie standing there still...
"I think Mum's forgotten to come and get me ... or else it's Dad who's coming and he's late ..." she looked up at Nat shrugging her shoulders, a look of "we both know my Dad, don't we?"
Nat asked if Rosie wanted to call home and check who was supposed to pick her up ... but hardly had she finished her question than both she and Nat heard familiar footsteps coming up the stairs...
Rosie hugged Nat one last time, and as Nat looked down at her, she saw that she hadn't cried either, although her eyes were red.
"My brave little Rosie ... I shouldn't say this, but I will miss you the most, you know?" Nat whispered, holding the child at arms' length, before letting her run off to her father's arms....
What transpired was the hardest moment of the day for Nat ... she had to watch Dave come into view, cushion the arrival of Rosie as she charged into him and started to sob something into his clothes, pull his little girl away so she could repeat what she'd said audibly, stand up and look over at her with disbelief on his face, then start to walk towards her.
Nat started to panic - what if she was being watched? Or the dance school entrance? She had to get Dave back out into the road as fast as possible, for his and Rosie's safety.
Dave had picked Rosie up in his arms, and she was sobbing uncontrollably into her Daddy's shoulder now. Nat matched Dave's advance towards her step for step, then suddenly stopped, and shook her head violently, unable to hold back her tears another second. She needed Dave to understand that they shouldn't talk or be together, so she put a finger to her lips, then motioned towards the stairs… Her glaring eyes sent a message of danger while her gestures said: "Don't say a word - leave now."
Dave just stared at the girl who used to be his little Nat, his fragile little dancer ... he noticed the dark circles under her eyes, how thin her arms had become now there was no longer the professional dancer's musculature ... how urgent her request seemed ... His face showed true concern for her, his eyes were pleading with her to help her, she knew it - but Nat couldn't turn back now - she had to keep Dave and Rosie out of her life and today would effectively cut all need for communication between them, she thought. So she repeated what she had done.
Dave stopped in his tracks, thought about what he was starting to uncover, about what Rosie had just said to him, and decided that for now it was best to do exactly what Nat seemed to want - to need him to do. He turned around slowly, giving Nat herself time to do the same ... As he walked away, Rosie could now see Nat's back, and called out in a shaky voice:
"Goodbye Nat - I'm going to miss you too!"
Nat managed to reply without a sob "Bye my little girl - my favourite little dancer ..."
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