LXVIII.

I’m browsing the web for some backdrops and lighting for my studio. Perhaps it’s a good idea to concentrate on this task and not sticking permanently to my pain. Anton already promised me some stuff from his spare stock – yet even he does not own lots of unnecessary interior. You could put it like not only time but also space is money.

No idea how Andy bribed the craftsmen – they started working straight this morning. Only four days and this year will have passed by.

„Siv, we have an appointment with Dr. Ashroft in 50 minutes!“

„Just a moment! I didn’t forget it!“

I wish I could have forgotten it! Forgetting about all the horrible things that happened to me so far...but this world isn’t just like that.

When all checks are done and I adjust my clothes again the gynaecologist swivels around in his chair and switches the ultrasound unit to stand by.

„Everything looks fine – just as it should be. Your right ovary already starts a new cycle. We just have to watch that you won’t get a polycystic one. You seem to have a tendency for it.“

„Oh, I recall I had one once. That was a hell of a pain! Ovulation simply didn’t want to happen. Luckily the problem solved itself.“

I hesitate – yet then take all my courage and ask.

„When...well, is it OK to have intercourse again?“

He can’t hide a little smirk and winks at me through his glasses.

„Your vagina never was affected. As the bleedings have stopped there’s no reason not to allow your partner back into bed – except you don’t feel comfortable with it on the emotional scale.“ His expression turns soft now.

„That for sure might take a little while. On the other hand – trying to get pregnant again as soon as possible is not out of the question. The human body is a fascinating creation. The repairing capacities are incredible.“

He pats my shoulder now.

„In your case you should listen to both – your heart and your body. One as the other will give you the answer if you are ready – and if I got that right you want a child by all means before it’s too risky.“

He hands back my maternity log.

„Keep it safe. Allow the suffering to end. Don’t let Andrew burn in hell longer than necessary – the excuse not feeling well will wear off – yet it’s you alone to decide when you’re ready. Don’t let yourself be put under any sort of pressure.“

I face the man in front of me, wondering.

„You seem to know about hell well yourself.“

„My wife lost our first and only child. That made me change my subject from surgery to gynaecology. As I still do lots of work in the OR it was a good choice.“

„I’m sorry!“

„It’s water under the bridge. You have a good chance to get what you desire – so brighten up!“

Then he points to a photo on his desk – three smiling kids on it – two boys and a girl.

„We adopted those lousers instead.“

***

„David?“

„Hey there!“

„Already packing?“

„All set and done – though we just got a call our flight is re-scheduled due to the masses of snow. We will leave early in the morning tomorrow instead.“

„I was just wondering as I thought you would spend New Years Eve in England.“

„Jen’s playing at a Broadway show and I promised to see the premiere.“

He sounds a bit short and tensed.

„Oh, OK. You can’t speak freely there, right? She’s around.“

„Yes.“

„Then I don’t want to bother you. Andy and me will call you New Year then.“

God, let me drop down dead!

„What is it?“

„Forget about it.“

„No. Wait a second.“

I hear a rustling and then a door claps. When he speaks again his voice sounds kinda hollow. He must have gone into the bathroom.

„Siv, spill it!“

„I need...to see you, Dave!“

I can hear him sighing deeply.

„I will call you back.“

No idea for how many times I paced forth and back the carpet in the bedroom – Andy thinks I’m taking a nap and went over to the neighbours for a chat and some belated Christmas punch. Then finally the phone rings.

„Meet me at Jack’s in about 30 minutes.“

That’s it. No more – he just hangs up on me.

While I wait for the front door to open I nervously bite my lower lip. Then Jack’s face appears in the door frame. I take two steps back – some images flickering through my memory.

„Hi, Sivvi! No worries, I’m just about to leave meeting with friends. My place and he’s all yours.“

He snatches a kiss from me, grabs his keys and makes it to the lift – turning around again, blinking at me.

When I enter the living room David stands in front of the window, his muscular fingers drumming absentmindedly on the sill. He must have heard me but he does not make any efforts to change his position.

„Dave?“

I walk closer and put my arms around his waist. Still no reaction. Finally he starts to speak at least.

„Siv, it doesn’t work this way. I can’t always jump if you snip with your finger. You told me I had to make my family top priority. I’m trying hard to do so.“

I let my hands fall back next to my body. It takes a bit to make me speechless – now I am. Where has the man gone that had to use all his self restraint three days ago not to ram his throbbing dick into me?! Who was whispering hot promises into my ear? I try to stay as calm as possible though anger and pain are searing through my body.

„When did I ever snip with my finger?! Do I have to beg on my knees now for a few moments with you in private? Cause my feelings for you overwhelm me every now and then? Do you really believe I haven’t tried to rip you out off my heart again and again?“

I see his knuckles turn white – he remains silent though. Just his breath accelerates a little.

„Can’t you at least look me straight into the eyes while I’m talking to you?“

He turns around and crosses his arms in front of his chest. The expression on his face scares the shit out off me. There’s nearly no emotional response. His eyes are kinda muddy and lifeless. I know at once that the David I know is not with me in this room at the moment. Suddenly I feel cold to the bone. I try to convince myself he must have one of his blue days – yet it doesn’t really help.

„Good Lord, Dave – what’s going on? Where are you?“

„Just in front of you.“

„No – I don’t know this person.“ I blink quickly to avoid a tear leaving the corner of my eye. „Perhaps you never introduced us so far – for some reason.“

He shortly closes his lids.

„Siv, it’s better we won’t see us for a longer while.“

„Did she threat you to take take Rosie away again?“

Now there’s a least one emotion visible in his face – he seems furious.

„No, she didn’t! And it’s none of your fucking business! I had two nights of mindblowing sex with her – if you need to know. Stay away from me, OK!“

I have to swallow hard.

„I just wanted to tell you I got the all clear from Dr. Ashcroft – but as I see I’m too late. And I’m not going to throw myself at your feet, David.“

No, but I need a train or car that might end the suffering!

I try to rip his ring from my finger. It seems swollen though and not being able to get rid of it and slam it around his face nearly lets me loose my composure. Frantically I start to use my teeth to get it to move. I already taste blood.

Now he seems to wake up from his agony. With a strong grip he starts to shake me by my shoulders.

„Stop it, Siv! Let go! I can’t stand it any longer!“

Looking up again I see the tears streaming down his handsome face.

„You obviously want to get rid of me – then take back your bloody promise, too!“

The shock is kinda written all over his body – it’s not just in his eyes. I take my chance and shake free, running for the door – to end up nearly strangled by Dave’s embrace, pulling me down to the floor. And then we kneel there, entwined with arms and desperate sobs.

„Don’t you even think of it!“ His voice is shaky and hoarse. „I saw that certain look in your eyes – don’t! You can’t put that burden onto my shoulders, baby – you see I already break under all the strain.“

„What the hell are you talking about, Dave?!“

He now cups my face into his trembling hands, meeting my eyes with his dark and gloomy ones.

„You want to die – without me.“

„No, David – I can’t live without your love. That’s a difference.“

„Bullshit! If I’d let you walk outside this door you would...seek for an opportunity. I know it – I’ve been down that road already – and it’s no solution, believe me!“

He rests his forehead against mine.

„My enery levels are low as well  – lower than you perhaps would imagine. I’m far from being strong at the moment – and so are you! Where’s the tough girl gone I met at that infamous meeting in Hamburg?“

„It died in your arms – slowly but steadily. I should have been wiser from the beginning – but I couldn’t restrain myself. I wanted more, I needed all. You should know – you’re the same.“

I sweep another tear from his cheek.

„Remember telling me I was your universe, your breath, your heartbeat? Where I am now it’s dark and cold, I can’t breathe and my heart is in shreds. Looking into your eyes it’s like seeing myself  - without a mirror. It’s broken. I’m broken – and I’m too tired to fix it. I can’t do this on my own  - as I can’t fix your pieces.“

„Jennifer suggested she would have another baby if that really was what I was so desperately seeking for. She always denied it to me after Rosie cause she wanted to push her career. Two kids were enough she thought.“

I fall back onto my heels. Oh, vile woman! Though I immediately understand her motifs.

„Hey, it’s not about having another child as such but that I’d have it with you! I tried to get that point across – but honestly I don’t know what to do now. I’m so scared I’m gonna loose you both!“

Slowly I start to understand – his behaviour, his utmost torment. Indirectly Jen issued him an ultimatum as it looks. Sorta ‚you can have everything from me – if you don’t want it you don’t love me enough’. Leaving the consequences open to his imagination – trusting in his vulnerability that he will come to the conclusions that would fit her. Harpy!

His lips find my ring finger. Softly he kisses the bloody traces my teeth left there. The ruby is still glistening red and strong.

„I don’t want to give up yet, David! I can’t give you up that easily...“

He kisses me passionately – deep, long and intensely.

„You are the first thought when I start my day – and you are the last. I can’t end this lousy year in misery – let us postpone ANY kind of decision until the new year!“

„We both have to be braver than ever. I will go and fix up things with Andrew – if I should fall from grace I at least want to fall into his arms.“

„You have no idea how jealous I am...I really am!“

Again he tackles me with his greedy lips.

„Dave – did you miss that tiny bit of information I gave you earlier?“

He looks dumbfolded for a moment – yet then it seems to dawn him.

„You mean...?“

„Jesus, you won’t get me pregnant now – but will you please make love to me before you return back into Jennifers arms? That’s what makes me jealous to be concrete!“

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