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Chapter 2

Martin started walking without looking back, pulling up the zipper on his jacket. He knew that soon Dave’ll follow him and catch up with him, thanks to his long legs. He knew that he’ll start a conversation, cuz he saw from the corner of his eyes during the night that he looked at him several times, as if he wanted to say something. But Mart didn’t make it easier for the singer. And yes. Dave was soon walking next to him. They were already on the corridors when he heard the velvety voice:

“Are you still angry with me?” he asked quietly.

Mart looked at him with a tired frown, still walking then he stepped into the elevator, observing the young couple next to them. He had a bad taste in his mouth so he rather looked down at the floor, not turning to the singer on his right side.

“A little bit…” he answered quietly as well.

Dave didn’t answer until they stepped out of the lift and they were alone again.

“I’m sorry” he looked with true regret at Martin.

Curly stopped on the corridor, right in front of his door. Dave’s room was at the other end of the hallway. He was quietly playing with the key in his hands then looked up at the guilty-looking singer. Mart could never stay angry with him for too long when he looked at him like this.

“Are you coming in?”

Dave smiled faintly “If you want…”

Mart didn’t say anything else, just a faint little smile was playing in the corner of his mouth, while he opened the door and let him in. His gaze wandered down on the familiar figure unwillingly then he closed and locked the door.

“Aren’t you hungry? You’d mentioned it in the bar, but you were chatting too intensely” Mart pulled down the zipper on his jacket then walked to the couch to sit down, leaving Dave in the middle of the room.

“Yep, I had no chance to eat since the concert” Dave answered and it was as if he was surprised.

“Then order something” Curly shrugged “I don’t like when you doesn’t pay attention to such things” he added quietly and for a moment pure worry appeared in the withdrawn eyes. He took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.

Dave just nodded and reached for the telephone. He waited for his food quietly, which arrived soon. He took it to the bed and sat down to eat.

“Do you want some?” he asked after swallowing the first bite.

“No, thanks” he watched the singer, quietly puffing out the smoke.

“Something bothers you” Dave stated after a longer pause.

“I think you know it” he flicked the ash into the tray.

“Well, considering that you are staring at me, remaining silent, yes. Usually you do this when I’m the guilty one” he put the remains of his dinner aside.

“I just don’t understand you… Sure, I know that you like playing with fire, but you make me insecure with your recklessness” he said quietly looking into the green eyes.

“I make you insecure? What do you mean?”

“I thought that this secret is as important to you as it is for me…” his eyes followed the line of the smoke curving towards the ceiling.

“Yes, it’s important” Dave looked at him “But in the same time I have to do this, Mart. I have to… you’re right next to me and when you come closer during the slower songs…” he sighed “I’m sorry, but I simply have to.”

“The austere behaviour was never your strength, was it?” he smiled faintly and an indescribable light flickered in his green eyes.

“Yes, I had problems with this. But, if you’re scared that these things can betray us then I’ll try to stop” he looked into the beloved green irises.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean the drugs and the booze, but your emotions” he stubbed the cigarette then he stood up and took off his jacket, throwing it into an armchair before walking to Dave “I’m not saying that you can’t touch me on stage…” he stopped in front of the man, looking down at him and running his fingertips on Dave’s cheek “… just don’t be so ambiguous.”

“Martin, all touches between us can be misleading. And there’s a very simple fact for this: we belong to the same sex. Which is quite funny, considering that I’m nuts about you” he smiled darkly.

“Not every touch can be misleading…” he ran his thumb along Dave’s full lower-lip “There are friendly gestures, like hugging me at the end of ‘Waiting for the night’…” now he followed the outline of his jaw, feeling the stubbles under his fingertips “… or when you bend down to my guitar to hear it better…”

Dave’s gaze turned into a darker green color. He swallowed hard before answering “You think?”

“Yes” Mart ran his fingers in Dave’s hair, watching his mate closing his eyes with pleasure “We had totally innocent looks too – like back in Pasadena where we were happy and couldn’t believe to our eyes, seeing all those fans there…”

“I can’t get enough of you” he whispered with closed eyes.

A little smile crossed Martin’s face. He knew what Dave was talking about, but Mart wasn’t sure that the singer could feel the darker side of this as well. Curly could feel it. But despite this he couldn’t deny touching this man, his mate, his lover.

“How long have we been together?” he asked musing, running his index-finger along the singer’s typical nose.

Dave answered so quietly that it was barely understandable “For around 21 years.”

“With shorter and longer breaks, yes…” he lifted Dave’s chin a bit with his finger to look into his eyes again, cuz without noticing it the singer broke the eye-contact during his answer. “And for how long have you loved me?”

Dave had a faraway look on his face and when he refocused, his eyes were glistening a bit more than necessary “A bit more than 21 years.”

It seemed that Martin’s eyes softened from Dave’s words. His green irises seemed to swirl as he straddled Dave, letting his knees touch the blanket next to Dave’s thighs. He sat onto the singer’s lap. For a moment he closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Dave’s body and breath, which reached Curly’s face in the form of a sigh.

“And why do you love me?” he ran his hands on his mate’s dark pullover by his upper-arms.

“Why?” he took Mart’s face gently between his hands and leant in for a soft kiss “Because you are so different from me and in the same time you are like me. You complete me. And I just simply love you” he whispered onto Mart’s lips.

“Sometimes I wonder how this can be possible” he caressed Dave’s side “What made us do this… I remember the moment exactly when you’ve changed in my eyes…”

“Really? And when was that?” he looked Martin in the eye. From this closeness he could see himself on the green irises.

“We were working on ‘Stories of old’, back in ’84 in

Berlin… I remember Al telling something funny during one of the breaks when we had a beer. We laughed then Al and Andy started talking about something and you looked out of the window, thinking hard on something. I let my gaze wander on your beautiful profile and it hit me how gorgeous you are. Silly thought, huh? Then you’ve turned away from the window and our eyes met for a split of second. It was a totally innocent moment, but something grabbed me in your eyes. I don’t know what, but the magic started working… Or at least on my side…”

Dave was just listening to him quietly, but it seemed that there was shock in his eyes.

“By that time I knew that I draw to my own sex too, although basically I preferred women. Still I was surprised and back then I was sure that nothing will happen between us two, cuz you loved Jo, you had plans – having an own family, kids etc… And because of this I tried to keep this thing down. But I couldn’t stop myself… From that moment you were different to me… I ‘stalked’ you, although I tried to fight. I thought, that it’d be just a question of lust, if once we… That after it my curiosity’d be satisfied and it’d end…. We were young… Fools. Life, fame and the world was ours… It’d have been easy for me to find someone, but I had no chance to have you… and this was always in the back of my mind, in the dark, growing constantly… I wanted you…” he grabbed Dave’s pullover by his side, while he closed his eyes and bent his head into Dave’s palm, which was still lingering on his skin. After a few moments he gulped and went on “… more and more… The nights… the lonely nights were the worst, when it was getting harder and harder to put you out of my head… I thought that it’d help sleeping with my girlfriend and later with other women, but… no. Then…”

Dave had to moan silently from the things he’d heard “You’ve never… told me this.”

Mart didn’t open his eyes just asked with a bitter smile: “Once confession-time comes for everyone, right?”

“And then… what’d happened?”

“Then… I’ve reached a point which was important to me…” he sighed, loving the warmth and touch of Dave’s hand “My fantasies with other men became reality. I’d found myself in strange and new situations and slowly I’ve learnt enjoying them. I wanted more. I wanted to know everything, because I was still hoping. I was hoping that maybe once you and me… And I wanted to dazzle you, I wanted to give you such pleasures that you could never get from a woman. What a foolish dreamer I’d been back then too!” he pulled away his face from Dave’s hand and looked to the side, down onto the white blanket they were sitting on “But I was hoping that these experiences would stop me. But I was wrong again – although I could have known that my emotions often lead me onto not so rational ways.”

Dave bent his forehead to Mart’s, processing the things he just said “And all of this was just for me? I was hoping that the rumours weren’t true… that you don’t expose yourself for something like this.”

“For what?” Curly asked a bit confused, coming back from his memories.

“I knew that you were after something and I was afraid that hurting yourself wouldn’t stop you either. I was worried about you, I was afraid that they’d do something to you that you’d never get over with. Well, I know you…”

“This was… sweet of you…” he smiled, but this gesture didn’t reach his eyes, they remained serious and deep “I was enjoying it, I’m not saying that I wasn’t, but… I knew that it’d be something different with you. There weren’t many of them, but I felt nothing more towards them just lust, they were the ‘tools’ to deduce this lust. Because of you. But of course I’m not accusing you, cuz you knew nothing about this… for a long while” he closed his eyes again so that Dave wasn’t able to see the painful spark in his eyes when it came into his mind that he had to wait for the singer for long moths – even years.

“I’m sorry, Mart… I never wanted you to live through all of this because of me.”

“Don’t feel sorry, you had no idea. If I want, I can hide my feelings very well, and when I can’t stand them anymore, they come out in my lyrics. What do you think who inspired ‘A question of lust’ or ‘It doesn’t matter two’ on the next album? The first one is about those times when I was still trying to convince myself that it was just about lust, and by the latter one I conceded that I can’t fight against this and the moral expectations and rules – they inculcated in us - weren’t important anymore.”

“And? Was it worth it? Was it worth it going through all of this?”

“Yes” he looked deep into his eyes “It was worth it waiting for you.”

Dave couldn’t say anything to this. Martin had never told this and Dave had no idea what had been going on inside Curly. Back then he thought that Mart wanted to have just some fun with him. At the beginning Dave was ashamed about the things that had happened between them, but then times have changed… He hugged his blonde mate tightly and buried his face into his neck.

“And you? What was the situation with you?” he stroked Dave’s nape “It’s strange that we’ve never talked about this before…” he mused.

“At first I thought you just wanted to have some fun – I knew you. I had no idea that everything had happened because of me…” Dave’s voice failed him as he was hugging Mart still tightly to him, as if his life depended on him, as if he was afraid to break away from him, because if he does it, he’d lose him. “After the first time I thought that this was just pure sex, we tried out something new and that’s all. Maybe this was how I could survive the fact how much I enjoyed being with you. For a very long time I didn’t dare to admit it even to myself, because…” he let Mart go just to look into his eyes “… because I was afraid of it. I considered such things abnormal and it happened to me anyway and… I liked you… This was frightening to me. But I couldn’t keep myself out of it.”

“You’ve been always the curious cat type” Mart nodded “I knew that I had to be carful with you and your emotions. But you had no clue that in truth how much that first night had meant to me…”

“How much did it mean?”

“Well, a lot, you silly!” he laughed, pulling away a bit to take Dave’s face into his hands and give a soft kiss onto his lips. He looked into his eyes again “That long waiting was over… I didn’t dare to believe it…”

Dave didn’t answer just ran his fingers through the blonde tufts and watched his mate’s face.

“The first time you kissed me… my soul thrilled too, not just my body. I thought that I’d never be able to breathe again. You kept me alive… your scent, your flavor, your touches…” here he laughed out quietly and shortly “How painfully slushy and gooey I can still be… This is why I like remaining silent.”

“This isn’t true. I love it when you open up like this. I know that you do this maybe just for me.”

“It’s true that I do this rarely and just for a few people” he shrugged “So? Would you go on?”

“The first time you kissed me… it was beyond expression. I’ve never thought that I’d do something like this, ever. But I was happy that I had the chance being with you. The cause of this was that even then I was attracted to you more than a friend, I loved you – although I didn’t dare to confess this to myself. But looking back now I know what I felt back then. Strangely I never though that it was bad what we were doing. It felt natural that two people, who are attracted to each other, express this. And it was fantastic. There’s not a single person who had such an effect on me like you. And this haven’t changed since then. I love you” he gently caressed his face, as he was still sitting on his lap.

“Oh god, David…” Martin sighed and knew that his heart wouldn’t be able to pound even faster from these words. He couldn’t speak, because he tried to hold his tears back. He didn’t want Dave to see them, so he rather closed his eyes and kissed the singer with bittersweet – nearly desperate – eagerness.

Dave returned it with the same fire then he changed the rhythm and calmed their kisses to gentle ones. Mart let him set the pace and melted into the kisses and his embrace. Curly slid his hands gently onto his shoulders and slowly pushed him backwards. Now he was on top of Dave and went on with the kissing. The other man didn’t protest, he just wanted to feel his mate close to him, he wanted to feel the warmth of his skin, his whole being, because he knew that there was no one like Mart in the whole world. He felt himself extremely lucky that he’d found Martin, his other side, who completes him, who makes him whole.

The blonde man – instead of making a move – slowed down their kisses even more then, still lying on top of Dave, he looked him in the eye. After this he rested his head on the warm chest, inhaling the familiar and beloved scent deeply.

“I love being with you, Dave…” he whispered a bit hoarsely.

“I think this is mutual” he laughed quietly.

As an answer Mart gave a kiss through the pullover onto the singer’s chest.

“I don’t want to let you go… I want to stay like this forever” he whispered barely audible.

“You’ll stay with me” Dave said, running his fingers through Curly’s hair again “I wouldn’t let you leave me anyway.”

Martin swallowed hard from hearing this. A shiver ran down his spine from the determined tone in the singer’s voice.

“Promise?” he breathed onto Dave’s lips.

“Promise” he looked deeply into the green eyes. And to stress his words, he pulled Mart up next to him so that he was able to kiss him gently again. Finally he rested his chin on the top of his head.

“I love you too, David” he closed his tired eyes. After a few moments he tightened his embrace and asked “Are you going to stay here tonight?”

“Yes” the answer came with a contented sigh.

“Alright” Mart sat up on Dave’s lap again and pulled him into a sitting position so he could grab the hem of Dave’s pullover, pulling it over his head.

“I love it when you’re undressing me” Dave glimpsed at him with a dirty smile and let Mart continue what he’d begun.

“Yes, I know, sweetie…” he returned the smile, nearly blushing as a few pictures came into his mind. Then he blushed after all when he bent his head down and saw his own hands on Dave’s belt, which he quickly loosened. Dave watched the move with his dark irises. He’d seen it several times, but Mart could still turn him on with this, if he wanted. With this and with a lot of other things…

After Curly was ready with this he climbed off Dave’s lap and tugged down his jeans too. He stood next to the bed and quickly got rid off his own thick sweater. Dave knelt up and now he was the one who was undressing the other one. First he rolled up Mart’s T-shirt, revealing the sensitive skin of his tummy and he couldn’t stop himself – he had to bend forward and bite it gently, while his long fingers loosened Mart’s belt easily. They pulled down the zipper and unbuttoned its button. Finally with an elegant move he tossed it onto the floor.

Mart sighed wobbly and dug into Dave’s slightly messy hair again. He was wondering whether he should let things go wild or not. He knew that a few touches from Dave’d be enough and his body’d be on fire, but today an innocent cuddling’d satisfy him too after such a deep conversation.

But Dave didn’t continue it, he let the already red skin go and slid backwards on the mattress to give room for Martin next to him. His lover got his answer from this and with a little smile on his lips he climbed into the bed, next to Dave. After they cuddled to each other he pulled the blanket over them.

“Set the alarm” he murmured into Dave’s neck, motioning towards the alarm clock on the nightstand “John’ll be the one who’ll kick us out of the bed if we oversleep.”

“That wouldn’t be so great” Dave answered and reached for the clock. After setting it he embraced Mart with both of his hands.

It was as if Curly wanted to find a shelter from the world – he nuzzled to Dave like this, bathing his face in Dave’s adored scent. He was tired. Worn out physically and mentally. He wasn’t used to talk about his feelings for this long. And recalling the memories stirred up old happenings in his soul too – and not every one of them was pleasant. Before Dave fell asleep, he gave a kiss onto the top of Mart’s head and whispered a “good night”.

Mart was listening to the deep breaths and to the steady rhythm of Dave’s heart. He loved sleeping with Dave, he loved this sound, his closeness, their love. No one could understand it. He loved the duality it caused in him: he was happy and suffered in the same time. His heart was flying because this man, his soulmate loved him too, but it was painful knowing that they’ll be never able to love each other completely and freely, that he had to content himself with this secret affair, love, which has begun unbelievably long ago, hidden from everyone…

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2010.11.04. 13:16 Mr.Yukk I hope my Master will be pleased that I chaned the name. And that you are happy because you made me cry. The wallpaper is simply beautiful with them. The atmosphere between them is like magic. I don't know how to express it, but it made me think back all those times, and that YES they suffered enough to deserve that shelter together. Válasz: Well, yes, this is one of my fav illustrations as well. I love it when they touch each other. And it's good to know if we can move our readers emotionally... oh and nice choice of name! Usi