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Chapter 23

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Recommended song: Depeche Mode – The Darkest Star

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Andy was hit by the warm air again as he got out of the cab in front of the familiar house. He gave up his rest at home to come here, because his friend – whom he considered as a brother – needed him, even though he didn’t say it. He needed someone who helps him through this period or at least who stays with him so he won’t be alone. He opened and closed the gate and walked to the main door and knocked.

After a few minutes a careworn Martin Gore had opened the door, rubbing his nape and shielding his eyes from the bright sunlight “Andy? What are you doing here?” he asked surprised from seeing his friend there.

“I thought you could use some company” he smiled faintly, hiding his shock. There were dark circles under Martin’s eyes and the once life-filled green eyes were dim and sunken. His face was crinkled and he could see that his friend had lost weight too. “How are you?” he asked while eyeing the thin body.

“I’m feeling like a piece of shit” he snorted and let his guest in.

“I hoped that you’re through the hardest part” Andy sighed and examined the living room “But as I see, you’re not” he said sadly.

Mart followed his gaze, which sized up the half-lit room. The smoke of cigarettes could be still smelled and Andy’s eyes lingered on the unopened bottles, the shattered pillows and clothes. He spotted the DVDs, CDs and pictures lying on the carpet in front of the television. The previous day Mart’d managed to knock himself out again and this time he’d found a new way of torturing himself: he forked out the old pictures and albums of the band and went through them. He was musing a lot especially over the pictures where he was with Dave.

He shrugged then headed for the kitchen barefooted, wearing a grey T-shirt and a boxer. “Coffee?” he asked, pressing his hand onto his aching head.

“Yes, please” Andy answered “Mart, you need help” his voice became serious when he was standing in the kitchen, watching his blonde bandmate.

“Who would be able to help? And how?” he asked switching to a cool, neutral tone, but didn’t look at his friend - he was concentrating on making the coffee and trying to avoid the throbbing of his head.

“You know that there are specialists for such situations. It’d help” he shrugged, though he knew that he’d refuse his idea.

“Are you crazy?” he snorted disdainfully and tired, still showing his back to him. Meanwhile the coffee machine came to life and he just watched it, propping his hands on the counter. He was so exhausted!

“Then at least tell me the things which are bothering you! I can’t watch as you slowly collapse, Martin!” he burst out.

“Do you want cream too?” he stepped to the fridge.

“Don’t change the subject” he insisted.

“I… can’t… talk about it…” he pressed through his teeth then closed the fridge and avoiding Andy’s eyes he put the cups, the sugar and the cream onto the table, cuz he knew that his friend liked his coffee with these. He grabbed his own mug of hot black coffee and walked to the kitchen window, watching the garden bathing in sunlight. But his head was somewhere else.

Andy flavored his coffee then stepped next to Mart “You can’t hide forever” he noted quietly “Sooner or later you’ll see him again.”

Hearing this he squeezed his eyes shut and his face flinched painfully. But when he noticed his telltale reaction, he quickly put his mask back and slowly exhaled the air, which got stuck painfully in his chest. He wouldn’t have been able to see him. Not now. Not for a long while… Or will he be able to look at him at all – without feeling the pain tearing on his soul?”

“I know” he pressed through his lips then after a few minutes of silence he added: “But I don’t want it. I want him to live his life on the side of his ‘precious’ wife…”

“I don’t think that his life is happy and you know that well” he glimpsed at Martin.

“I didn’t say that his life is happy with them” he noted bitterly and headed for the living room with the rest of his coffee, knowing that Fletch was following him. He sighed and sat down on the couch.

Andy joined him. He remained silent for a long while, watching the room or glimpsing at Martin while sipping from his coffee.

His blonde friend was scratching his mug’s handle and after a few minutes he asked: “Did you see him?”

“Yes. But he didn’t let me get close to him – you’re better with me in this sense. Well, those debates I had with Dave in the past were not coincidences…” he mused “I know what you’re about to ask and yes, he’s feeling bad and it shows on him, but no, he didn’t do anything desperate. And this is why I hoped that you won’t push me away, cuz Martin… you’re like a brother to me, we grew up together. Please.”

Mart went silent and slowly put down his empty mug. He was thinking. Yeah, his friend didn’t deserve this. He was always standing on his side, trying to protect him from Alan and Dave. He always tried to save him from disappointments and pain, as if he was his big brother. “I’m sorry, Andy… I didn’t want to close you out this much, but… it hurts so badly” he closed his eyes at the end.

“I know. But it’ll eat you up alive from the inside, if you keep it bottled up” the red-haired man looked at him with worry.

Another long silence came then Mart slowly nodded – like someone, who made a hard decision. Does he really want this whole thing to kill him from the inside? “No. I don’t want this beast to eat me up” he whispered “It’s more than enough fighting with my own, which… you could see… got stronger” he sighed bitterly, looking at the empty bottles around “It was going well. For a while. Until Jen killed me.”

“I know” Andy said quietly “But you can win again. But I don’t know whether Dave’s absence will disappear or not. Probably not. But the pain you feel now will ease with time. Though until you get there… it’ll be like hell. But I’m here to help” he touched Martin’s shoulder “… I help in whatever I can.”

“You’re… so good to me Andy” he swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut again “I don’t deserve it. I really don’t” he reached for the red-haired man’s hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

“You’re talking bullshit again” he shook his head “My place is here next to you.”

“Andy… thanks” he said simply, cuz his throat felt already tight. Even so the silence filled the room for long minutes. Just the ticking of a clock and the distant barking of dogs could be heard. Mart was grateful that his friend gave him time to collect his thoughts and didn’t push him. Fletch new him well. The blonde man propped his elbows on his knees as he bent forward and gave out a deep sigh, starting scratching his own hand. He inhaled wobbly then began uneasily: “I’ve never… experienced anything that could hurt this much, Andy… Not even when he’d pushed me away years ago, not even my divorce… or anything else. If I didn’t bottle it up, then I’d want to scream constantly. It winds me up. I’m dying from it…” before going on the closed his eyes to hold the tears back, which were already welling up. He would have never thought that the last few weeks would make him this sentimental! “Jen had crushed me. Without mercy. She trod on our love cruelly. Because this was love, Andy” he looked at his friend with deep sadness in his eyes “No matter how strange it can seem, I… I’m madly in love with him, even if I showed it just rarely to him…” he swallowed hard “I would have never thought that I can experience something like this…” here his silent tears started to flow “I… I miss him so badly… I can see him if I close my eyes… his scent is in my nose… I feel his touches and this drives me crazy! I’ll go totally nuts! I want him! I love him!” he started gasping for air “I can’t function without him!” he exclaimed and felt that the suppressed killer emotions rushed out from their cage to tear apart and destroy everything with their sharp claws on their way towards freedom. “Andy! Andy, help me!” he clung to his friend tightly, lifting his red eyes on him “We lived through so many things with Dave… it can’t end like this! It can’t end like this! No!” he hiccupped and let his friend embrace him tightly “I can’t bear it without him… I can’t… I love him… I love him… I love him so much!” he repeated again and again, leaving his distant behavior behind. He needed someone who is willing to listen to him, whom he can pour his heart out. It was as if he has been waiting for this – being at the brink of explosion in the last few days. He needed someone who understands him, someone who cares with his lonely and broken self.

Andy was listening to the flood of words silently, while he was holding his friend. He knew that he needed someone badly, who won’t push him away, who listens to him and cares for him. Always everyone is caring for Dave – he wasn’t worried for him as much as he was for Martin. Dave wasn’t completely alone, there were people around him. But Mart was left totally alone with this. This is why Andy had to come here.

“Protect me from what I want… Protect me from Dave, please…” he mumbled and by now he didn’t even watch what leaves his mouth “I knew… I so knew that sooner or later he’ll be my death!” he sniffed “I knew, I felt it from the beginning… and in Berlin too, that it’ll end badly… if… if I let it happen… And I let it… I couldn’t resist anymore… I needed him… I wanted him more than anything… And… and I didn’t dare to believe that he felt the same… It wasn’t just for fun… later he wanted my whole being… and he wasn’t taken aback… he accepted who… what I am. He knows my weaknesses and I know by now that he loves me…” during his bitter monologue he pulled up his legs onto the couch and curled up on Andy’s lap like a scared, lost little boy, waiting for comfort from the adults, like someone who still has the hope that it was just a bad dream and he’ll wake up in a minute. “I knew… I knew that he’ll be my death… I knew… I knew…” he whimpered, making Andy’s trousers wet with his tears.

Andy didn’t answer for a long while, he was thinking about the things he just heard, touching unconsciously Martin’s back and curls to calm him a bit. He weighted his words carefully, not to cause more pain for his friend:

“Everything’ll be fine, we’ll get through this. You’ll survive” he whispered. What else could he say to him? Losing the love of his life was such an insane pain which could not be eased with words – only time can help and it won’t do a perfect job either. Because they’ll always miss each other, they’ll be clear with the things they’d lost and they’ll never forget. Never.

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The days were passing by again and Martin has opened up for Andy even more, whose help he’d accepted so the red-haired man stayed in Santa Barbara. He had no particular plan, he just spent some time with Mart, listening to him and it was clear that it did good to his friend. They told a lot of old stories from happier days and with time Mart brought himself to start talking about the relationship he had with Dave. He cried a lot, but this came with recalling the memories and Andy didn’t hold it against him or thought that it was a sign of weakness. Mart was very brave to face this pain and his monsters, to share one of his biggest secrets and Fletch appreciated this. And the more he heard about their deep and complicated love, the more he admired the courage his friends had when they stood up for each other if it was needed. He understood a lot of things now. Now that he saw the bigger picture, he forgave a lot of things Dave had done against him, because he understood how big the pressure was on him back in those days.

Being there had another useful advantage: he could watch him and cut down Mart’s drinking. Albeit the more the blonde man talked about his past, the less he drank, as if with the talking his monsters have faded away too.

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The heat was unbearable the whole day long, but it eased a bit by this hour. It was late night. The air was heavy from the sweet flowers’ scent, the silence was broken just by the nighttime insects and by the sounds of the sea, which could be heard time after time - thanks to the clear night. Not far away a few cars have passed by, but after their noises faded away everything went silent again. On the neat house’s open windows the curtains were moved by the light breeze, which brought some relief and flew into the dim room, playing with the blonde curls. The man, leaning over a sheet of paper bathing in the light of a desk lamp, was crooning a melody again and again. Even words have formed the lines on the paper and the black letters were crossed out here and there as they were stretching on their white bed. Time after time the ball-pen’s scratching could be heard then the hand holding it came to a rest, thinking on the last words. He rubbed his tired eyes and put his chin into his palm. For a few minutes he was just watching the curtain swaying in the soft wind. He was waiting for inspiration, which was lurking around him like a playful and shy young woman, waiting for the opportunity when she can give an unnoticed kiss onto the musicians tanned forehead. She was the one who woke him up just after an hour of sleep and the man had followed her call, like so many times before during the long-long years.

His naked upper-body was glistening from the summer swelter, but it didn’t bother him. He was deep in his memories. By now he hadn’t had to force himself with cruel methods to recall the dimly throbbing mementos from his hazardous life. He investigated them as if they were pictures from a photo album, which he got off the shelf. He was searching for the picture which could perfectly fit his newest work.

He got that secret kiss after a few minutes and with the imprint of the inspired lips on his forehead he bent over the paper again and quickly wrote down the last few lines. He leant back in his chair contentedly, running his eyes through the finished work and started to croon the catchy new melody again. He wrote this one for him, about them, again. A faint bitter smile appeared on his face and before putting the paper onto the top of the right pile, he picked up his pen and scratched on the top of the sheet:

“For the new album.”

By: Capricornus and Useless-girl
20/12/2009 – 08/03/2010

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