Note: Still processing the Placebo concert in Budapest…

Special Needs

Burning eyes. White skin. Overwhelming presence.

It’s him. My mind is wiped clean from the first moment as I set my eyes on him. As he walks to his microphone. His chin-length black hair and the lights keep his eyes in the dark. But I can see them glow. No one else seems to notice what I do, but I don’t mind, because this way I have something special the others don’t. I can’t share everything with the people around me. They wouldn’t understand it. But it’s okay this way.

As I watch him and the first shock ebbs, I can discover the details. His short slim body already swims in sweat and the air seems to boil around him as he opens up himself and let out everything he has. I know that he can do this only on stage. He can feel this freedom only behind his mic, playing on his guitar, letting out his unique voice. He’s beautiful and strong in my eyes. A real warrior, who fights with the world and shouts his truth into the wide space of the arena.

Sometimes I just can’t sing along the lyrics, like the fans do around me, because the meaning of his words wipes me off of my feet. They pierce through me and I can sense the pain behind the ironic, rebelling lines. Some say that I can read between the lines, that I have the ability to sense the hidden meanings of certain things. So I dare to believe that I understand what’s going on inside of him as he locks eyes with me.

It’s like looking into the eyes of an old friend. He’s ancient and in that moment I feel the same. I don’t think it’s the first time we see each other. He knew that I’ll be here tonight among his fans and I knew that he’ll search for me in the first few rows. And now he spotted me and we sing to each other. My heart sinks. There’s so much in that look! I can see that he recognizes me, I can feel the understanding and so many other feelings that they start choking me.

The moment is over and he walks to the other side of the stage. I just stand there stunned, barely hearing and feeling the jumping and screaming people around and the loud music he and his band mates create. My physical body is there, but my mind travels in a different dimension where we’ve already met. And this parallel feeling stays until the concert ends. He comes nearer several times and looks at me before that happens. I know he can see my true self and it makes me happy and somehow safe.

The music, his presence, seeing him from this close and this whole night stirs up my emotions. And I cannot name all of them, I cannot really tell how I feel exactly. No, I’m not a blind screaming fan of his. This goes deeper than that. I’m happy and grateful beyond words. This comes instinctively. Well, lately I try to listen to my instincts more anyway. But I don’t want anyone to misunderstand the things I’m talking about. It’s not that kind of love. It’s more like the way you love a family member.

I leave the arena totally confused, his voice still ringing in my ear, and I need a few days to cool off and sort out my feelings. As I write down these lines, things get clearer for me and now I just feel… empty, all of a sudden. I know that he has a concert tonight as well and I just wish I could be there to look into his eyes again and feel this beautiful confusion once again…

Thank you, Brian!

Useless-girl
18/09/2010

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