Only When I Lose Myself
By: Rawiya

“Gahnn, wot the, JOHN!”

“Dave as much as I want…oh sod it, please leave, now. We can’t do this!”

I moved, opening the door, pushing Dave back in, before closing it behind me.

“John wot the hell was goin’ on there? Why were yor lips locked around Gahnnnn! Have yoo lost it!” Simon sneered shaking me wildly.

Quickly, I grabbed his wrists. “Simon, damnit stop! It just kind of happened okay. I did not mean for it…”

Simon pushed my back against the wood. “Somethin; like that does not just happen unless yoo asked for it or wanted it too…I…thought yoo cared for me?”

My eyes met the blues that I loved so dear. “Yes I do Simon, please don’t think that I don’t. I’m sorry; I…lost myself for a moment.”

Slowly, he moved his hands from my arms to my shoulders. “Baby, wot made yoo want to kiss him? Am I not good enuff…?”

“No Simon, neva that love. Dave just said some things that…well he told me he had feelings for me and then he put his lips on top of mine. I only acted on impulse, it meant nothing.” I caressed his blond hair, pulling his face close to mine.

“Is that so? Nothin’ then,” Simon said softening his expression.

“No love. It was nowhere near wot I feel for yoo duck. As I said, it was instantaneous when he kissed me. That’s all Simon, believe me.”

“Alright, then I won’t go running afta him then. Let’s go home baby. I think yoo need a reminder as to who yor man is, hmm?” Simon gave me a wry smile while picking up his cell.

While I looked into my other companions eyes, I thought about what had just transpired.

“Nick, listen, bid adieu to Martin for me. John and I need to go home. No…no, there will be no more talking between them and us all right? Tell Martin we’ll need to go out for dinner soon. Bye chum.”

As he slipped his phone back into his jacket, he took my hand leading me to his car. Like the submissive I am, I followed without saying a word.

Quickly, he opened the door pushing me inside. “John, wot on earth would make yoo do that? I know his lips didn’t feel that good. I know they weren’t as effective as mine…or were they.” He glared waiting on me to respond.

I could only nod knowing that in fact Dave’s lips were persuasive, such is the reason I reciprocated the kiss, along with the caresses I gave him.

“Of course not, I am yor man John Taylor, always will be. Don’t eva forget that!” He sneered while closing it.

Again, I tilted my head as an obedient child would. Yes, I am Simon’s man but the most unlikely person made me neglect that for a moment. Not to mention, my lovely Gela back in the states.

Dave fuckin’ Gahan no less. A person I would have never kissed less alone entertained the thought of being close to. Especially since he and his band mates never liked us, gave us more hell than anyone did back in the day.

What was so special about the feel of his lips, the feel of his hand touching my sides, the gentle dragging of his mouth against my neckline?

Just that moment when he pinned me against the door, grinding his body against mine, why didn’t I move? Why was I even thinking of doing more with him?

As I continued to create questions in my head, Simon got in the Aston, starting the engine.

“Ar yoo hungry duck?” He asked while grabbing the gearshift.

I settled into my seat, putting my belt around my waist. “No dear, thank yoo.”

“Why so quiet love?” Simon began to merge slowly into traffic.

“Aw nothin’ love, just thinkin’ about that song we were workin’ on last night afta dinner is all.”

Satisfied with my response, he continued to drive.

Once more I lied. That song was the furthest thing from my mind. At that point, I could not recall the fuckin’ name or anything else for that matter.

The only thing that lingered was Dave’s lips atop mine, his breath that tickled my flesh when he came closer, and the smell of his cologne that put me in a trance.

While I lay back upon the leather, I pressed the window button for it to go down. The breeze coming in was cool, soothing.

Thinking of Dave, I closed my eyes recreating that scenario in my head. Only this time, the ending would not be with my jealous lover catching us.
——-

I saw myself, leaning against the door, exploring his mouth while fondling the flesh underneath his jacket. His skin was smooth, delicate to my touch.

Roaming, I let my fingers trace the waistband of his trousers. They fit his slender body well in all the right places. Gahan was always a looker; I could never deny that.

Once we ceased tasting each other’s tongues and lips, his dark eyes met my browns. As my mind searched for something to say, instantly my hands dropped downward cupping his tight ass.

“Mmm…” was all I could muster as he kissed my neckline.

“Oh John, damnit John,” he whispered trailing his nose and lips down the center of my chest.

“Dave, oh God…shi…” I muttered as he rubbed his head on my crotch. My cock was aware of his presence, immediately it went erect.

As he enjoyed my nether region, I placed my hand atop his head, pressing it into that space. If we were not outside, I may have offered my cock to him right then, and there.

“John, I want you,” he breathed unzipping my jeans.

“Ohhh…ahhh…” I gasped as he opened my fly, letting my stiff one spring out.

——-

“John, love, wake up. Wot were yoo dreaming of baby? Was it me?” Simon smiled backing up the Aston into the hotel parking lot. Although Si and Yaz offered for me to stay with them, I refrained.

Sheepishly, I looked at the man I had loved for over thirty years once again telling a tall tale. “Yes love, I was thinkin’ how I was gonna make it up to yoo, baby.”

Smugly, he nodded while turning the key off.

While he exited the automobile, I sat there a minute pondering my vision of Dave along with my feelings.

It was only one kiss, okay it was two or three, I cannot fucking remember. However many it was I was lost. Already in him like I was with Simon over thirty years ago.

How can that be, after only those few minutes we just had? Why did I allow myself to explore these feelings any further?

Not possible to have emotions that damn quickly, I am too old for this. I am not a young man as I was when Simon and I got together.

“Fuck.” I mouthed to myself as Simon opened my door, taking my hand.

~*****~

While walking with him from the car to my room I was in a complete daze. As he marched along humming a tune from Kings of Leon, I trotted in silence envisioning Dave being with me instead.

“John, earth to John…allo love. Wow yoo ar really in deep thought. Yoo have something good in store for me I gather?” Simon took the keycard from me opening the door.

When it clicked, he walked in with me following him. The moment I closed the door behind me he lifted me up, pressing my back against it.

“Ah John, yoo ar ready yeah,” he growled while biting my neck hard enough to draw blood.

“Ahh, mmhmm,” I said as he yanked my jeans along with my knickers down to my ankles.

While he continued to feed on my flesh, my eyes bulged as I looked at a slip of paper that had fallen out of my pocket.

“Oh no…shit.” I said quietly as I peered at what seemed to be Dave’s phone number.

“Mmm wot love.” Simon stopped tasting me, putting me down on the floor.

Quickly, I pulled him back into my chest so he could not find what was behind him.

“Nothin’ duck. I want some mor, don’t stop.” I said while affixing my browns to the piece with scribble.

“Okay, but yoo seemed to be distracted. Wot’s wrong,” he asked caressing my cheek.

“It’s nothin’ Simon, now please continue baby, don’t make me wait.” I gave the pout that he said always made him want me.

“Alright my love, come ‘ere,” he said with a wicked grin.

The moment he buried his head into my neck again, I gazed at Dave’s writing.

‘I need to get that before Simon sees it.’

Although I was not planning to use it, I still wanted to keep it away from my jealous man. It would send him over the edge if he saw the paper; he would know it came from my clothes.

However, a part of me wanted him to. A sick thought I know. It might make him realize how important I am to him. Simon had been letting himself go lately and even though he was over fifty, I longed for the man who just only two years ago made my heart jump when I’d see him.

As shallow as that was, it was only an excuse for what I was really thinking.

This had nothing to do with Simon, it was all about my interest in Dave Gahan, Dave fuckin’ Gahan.

I was losing my mind and myself, all in the space of a couple of hours. Just because he put his lips and hands on me.

Yet, for some reason, I liked that. It was okay to feel that way because when I lost myself in my feelings, I became more human. Dave might have woken up a part of me that died over twenty years ago.

I need that paper…

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