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Ghost Towns

“Two souls in a ghosttown”

“Maybe it was all too much
Too much for a man to take
Everything's bound to break
Sooner or later, sooner or later…”

He had no idea when things went south with Adam. Of course, there were signs, but he couldn’t pinpoint the one reason. Alright, that’s not completely true. There was one big reason, but it was just the tip of the iceberg. Other things came before that. Things that led to the conversation where they both asked for time and space. It hurt fucking much, but at that point they needed it if they wanted to be able to be near each other in the future.

He’s been thinking so fucking much about this. And it wasn’t really like him to spend sleepless nights with thinking so much with his sleep-deprived brain. (Not that sleepless nights would be rare to him. Thanks insomnia so fucking much!) Sure, he could sink into the darkness and close himself off at times. Music was always a crutch, a safe haven where he could relax and just flow with the notes. At times it became the instrument of delivering what he couldn’t talk about. He’s never been as good with words and talking about feelings like Adam was. That was part of the reason why it took so fucking long to take things to the next level with the singer.

Now he describes his life as the “pre-Adam Lambert” and the “after Adam Lambert” period. Because seriously, that dude turned Tommy’s whole world upside down. His career, his definition of a close friendship, and yes, later things sexually too. Contrary to the common belief, Tommy had some experience with guys in the past, but very few men caught his eyes for more than just a few kisses, some groping or other form of fun. He was human after all, plus having fun or sex was just that. Maybe not bumping into men like Adam made him turn his attention to the ladies. God, he loved them too. He found them beautiful and despite the relationships that ended with break ups, he liked to spend time with them.

But there was a correction needed here: “men like Adam”. That was a poor choice of words, because there was only one Adam. Similar guys maybe, but somehow that fucker worked his glittery magic on Tommy and soon he found himself wanting more than just the on and off-stage kisses and hugs. It took some time to admit that even to himself and then there was the whole bullshit ‘straight’ label – gosh, how he hated labels! – and a few boyfriends came along the way for Adam too and obviously during those times Tommy held himself back, because he wasn’t the type who’d ruin someone’s relationship.

Despite the occasional pining over Adam, those periods gave him time to think through what he really wanted and when they finally got together, he was sure about himself and could tell Adam that he wanted more. First just the ‘friends with benefits’ package – though Tommy doubted that there was a time when deeper emotions weren’t involved between them – and then it turned into something deeper. A fire that was burning them up. Neither could resist and they dived in.

Tommy should’ve known that he was going to get burned by the bright sun that Adam was, but he thought it was worth it and he enjoyed each moment he’d spent with his singer. He read a nice metaphor somewhere – maybe one of the fanfictions about them – which compared Adam to a sun and him to a moon circling in his orbit. Or was it a supernova and a smaller star? Anyways, he often felt like that, but he liked to kinda live in the big star’s shadow. The only problem was when he got pulled too close to that burning energy. Either way, he just went with the flow, not caring if sometimes things were getting overwhelming and pushing him out of his comfort zone. Being with Adam was intense. Maybe too intense.

“Tell me how we got this far
Every man for himself
Everything's gone to hell
We gotta stay strong, we're gonna hold on…”

The distance started growing between them even before their break. Tommy felt like shit, because often he blamed himself. He made mistakes and they led to this. Being apart from Adam hurt more than he expected. His insomnia was back with full force and his mood dropped more and more until his lurking depression was triggered too and the downward spiral was dragging him down, down, down. He grabbed at last straws, anything that could stop him from falling deeper. He tried tweeting and texting Adam. He went after him to one of the Queen concerts, he expressed how happy he was for the singer’s success, but he got back very little and each unanswered tweet or text message pushed Tommy deeper into the darkness.

For a while he thought that September Mourning would help him take his mind off the fucked up place Adam and he were at. Picking up his bass and playing it again was something familiar and creating the kind of music that was more of his style felt good for a while. But playing bass instead of lead guitar just reminded him on Glam Nation where he did the same. And he came full circle. Everything seemed to be about Adam in his life since he auditioned to him.

As a last resort in finding himself and what felt familiar and not so connected to Adam was when he called her. They’ve been on and off lovers for years, so it wasn’t such a big surprise when they hooked up again. And this time, in his need to have something that was just his own, Tommy didn’t even care if she acted as if they were officially together again. He closed his ears to the snarky remarks about Tommy spending so much time with men or how sinful a life Adam was leading. He swallowed it, because he was barely hanging on by then. He knew it hurt Adam before and he would’ve been naïve to think the singer didn’t know that Tommy was kinda together with her again. (Plus, of course, Tommy knew that Adam was spending time with Sauli and god knows who… And yes, that hurt too.) So the blonde wasn’t really surprised when the few replies became even fewer until they barely talked. And the radio silence.

He felt miserable and quitting the band crossed his mind too. That thought itself was so painful that he locked himself up in his room and cried for hours – which was totally not like him. Other times he barely had the strength to get out of bed or eat. Sleep avoided him and the circles under his eyes grew bigger and darker with each passing day. He cooped up in his little home studio and tried to express himself in writing and editing new music. He even posted some on SoundCloud. The fans seemed to like them, just like his Facebook and twitter posts. He was still amazed how some didn’t see through their own feelings. How they didn’t see the real meaning behind many of his posts. Of course it felt good that the ones that sensed that something was off expressed their love towards Tommy, which was part of the reason why he was so active on social media. If he couldn’t get the love he badly needed in his real life, then he had to get some through these channels, right? At least the videos, fan arts and even some fanfictions helped him to hang on.

Since they weren’t really communicating, Tommy had no idea what Adam wanted with the tour. He knew there were auditions scheduled for a new band, but he wasn’t called to take part in it. He had no idea if he was still in the band. But he hoped that Adam had enough spine to tell him if not. Maybe he won’t have to make that painful decision after all. Maybe it’d be decided for him. As preparation for the worst – because yes, he was financially okay now, but if he’d be kicked out of the band, he wanted to have something saved up until something new came along the way – he started selling the bass guitars he wasn’t using that much. His heart was breaking a little each time he put a new piece with his autograph online. They were part of him and held amazing memories. Parting with them was hard. But then he told himself that they were “just” objects and getting sentimental about them would be a stupid thing to do. Right?

His worries about being in the band stayed, especially when, once again, he wasn’t called to help Adam promote his brand new single, “Ghost Town”. Which Tommy found amazing with that sick beat, although the lyrics were like a dagger being twisted in his heart, because it was about them. Tommy knew. He could hear it and knowing that Adam was hurting this much too made him feel even worse. Not being part of the promoting of a single wasn’t uncommon, it happened before that Adam did that with others, but it still put yet another heavy weight on Tommy’s soul.

She tried to tell him to forget about Adam and his crazy lifestyle and friends, and start finally living his own life and dreams. Tommy didn’t tell her that he’d tried that before and it didn’t take him that far. But thinking ahead, he toyed with the idea. After all, now he had some fans of his own, thanks to the slice of fame he got from Adam’s glittery cake. Maybe if everything goes to hell, it might eventually work out that way. But he never talked to her about these thoughts, because he didn’t want her to be right. They were in a strange place anyway. They hooked up to fuck sometimes, she believed they were together and Tommy was tired of telling her they weren’t so he just let her think and say whatever she wanted. He was using her, he knew and wasn’t proud of it, but maybe she deserved that much after the things she’d said about Adam, his friends and Tommy himself.

But those booty calls were getting less and less frequent, because another woman entered his life a few months back. Someone who never judged him – alright, maybe about the choice of movies he picked – and loved him unconditionally. She quickly became the first ray of hope in his life after a very long time.

Miss Etta James, his wonderful puppy.

“This world has turned to dust
All we've got left is love
Might as well start with us
Singing a new song, something to build on…”

Focusing on his new dog helped a lot on his depression. Even on the days he just wanted to stay in bed with the cover over his head, he had to get up and feed the hungry and very curious puppy. And seriously, who could’ve said no to that face?! He bought all kinds of toys for Etta and spent hours playing with her until she fell asleep exhausted on his lap. She even seemed to like when Tommy was practicing on one of his guitars.

Days were passing quicker this way and he slowly started getting back to his old self. He ate more regularly, which stopped his slimming and he found that sleeping curled up with his girl somewhat helped on his insomnia too. He loved taking her to the nearby dog park to let her play with the other dogs or teach her commands. Seeing her grow was something amazing to witness. He loved her to bits and the little Miss did the same in return. She grew quite protective over his ‘daddy’ and she didn’t really like her, so she came over less and less, which kinda suited both Etta and Tommy. The former because of the reason mentioned above, the latter because he was head over heels with Etta. He sometimes laughed on himself how easily Etta managed to wrap him around her cute little paw.

“I know you're scared tonight
Ah, ah
I'll never leave your side…”

Adam was busy again, Tommy knew it well. Interviews, dropping the new single, making the video for it and then promoting it not long after being back from yet another leg of the Queen tour. He still felt detached and alone, but not as much as before Etta. He was slowly getting better. He laughed again and posted pictures and short videos of her or the two of them like a proud daddy would do. Maybe all those much cleverer people were right about animal therapy. Because frankly, getting Etta was one of the best ideas ever!

She gave him more confidence too and the hope that he thought was lost for good started blossoming in his heart once again. Maybe just his depression made him see the world as such a dark place. Maybe things weren’t broken for good. Maybe he and Adam could work things out. He wanted to believe that it wasn’t too late yet.

He had a lot of time to think about these things. He knew he wasn’t an easy person to be in a relationship with. His exes could confirm that, but he was trying to work on expressing himself better and not to close off so much when it was time to talk through the problem at hand.

What did Adam say in one of his new interviews? That “Ghost Town” was about disappointments, when things didn’t go as he thought they would? But that hope was also there in the song. Which Tommy interpreted as Adam still having hope deep down to fix what they had between them. On that note Tommy continued writing and composing music and making plans on how to make the Grand Canyon-like gap between them smaller. He knew he had to be patient. Gaining back Adam’s trust wouldn’t be easy, but very much worth it. He was missing the singer so badly it hurt, but now he didn’t let himself sink into his misery. Now he was hanging on to that hope that he could hear in the singer’s new song.

Because they can be so good together when they don’t let life get in the way! And Tommy was working towards the next level they could take their relationship to. But first he – they – had to fix things between them. And then, maybe one day, with their patched up hearts they could stop hiding and stand side by side. Two souls that belong together in this mad world. Stronger and filled with love once again.

Maybe this new album era will mean a new beginning for them as well.

“When the world gets cold, I'll be your cover
Let's just hold onto each other
When it all falls, when it all falls down
We'll be two souls in a ghosttown…”

THE END

Useless-girl
01/05/2015