Chapter 16
Know Where You've Been, But I Don’t Care

Having his sister and niece around the palace was reassuring and first Tommy didn’t even notice how much faster he was healing. It was good for him to play around with the kids and have longer talks with Taylor who told him how he tried to deal with his abuse in the past. Tommy knew that it could be different to everyone how they coped, but as the days went by, things got easier bit by bit. He saw on Adam too that he was less worried and smiled more while watching Tommy or just walking around the palace.

Tommy slowly got used to the idea of coming out of their chambers and in a few days he surprised the war council when he entered the room where they were holding a meeting about the actual problems at hand. He felt only a bit uneasy when the other men greeted him with handshakes or squeezing his shoulder. His father even hugged him and he managed to return it without wanting to step back. He saw over Ron’s shoulder how proud Adam looked as he watched them.

As soon as everyone greeted him he walked over to the seat where Adam was and not caring about anyone or that it was very much not king-like behaviour he sat on his lap and pecked his lips. The beaming smile and the ‘I’m so proud of you’ he got from Adam for that was worth everything. After that he started working on getting more and more involved in the kingdoms’ issues again.

He still had a few panic attacks, but they came very rarely by the time he felt strong enough to get dressed and appear in front of the people of Oudjat. He looked down at them from the terrace over the main gate of the palace and waved and smiled gratefully for their love and concern. That day they had a feast in the palace and there were celebrations all over the city too partly in honor of their victory and saying goodbye to those members of the war council who had to travel back to the Sea or the Caves… and partly because of King Thomas’ recovery.

It was the first evening Tommy spent down in the dining hall sitting next to Adam, holding his hand for nearly all along. He made sure he only drank fruit juices or water as he was still a bit paranoid about alcoholic beverages since his kidnapping. Having Adam on his side all evening made Tommy more comfortable and he managed to smile and exchange a few sentences with some other people too.

When Adam saw on Tommy that people were tiring him out, he excused them and they retreated for the night. The tall man smiled satisfied when on their back to their chambers Tommy slid his slender hand in his as they were walking down a corridor.

“I’m so proud of you, baby,” he whispered in the half-light, which mostly hid Tommy’s sudden blush.

“Thank you. It wasn’t as bad as I imagined it’d be,” he confessed as they climbed the last set of stairs and turned a corner which led to their corridor.

“You came along far, Tommy,” he nodded and gently squeezed his husband’s hand, who laced their fingers together as an answer.

They were both lost in their thoughts for a while until they got ready for bed, but when Adam wanted to put on his night-time tunic, Tommy took it from his hands and let it drop next to the bed shaking his head. Adam looked questioningly at him and Tommy bit his lip and blushed lightly again as he looked up into his eyes.

“I want to try sleeping naked tonight,” he cleared his throat and with slightly shaking hands he pushed Adam’s undergarment down. He shyly let his eyes wander down on the nicely toned and very much freckled body before he undressed too with his heart beating hard in his chest as he took Adam’s hand and pulled him under the covers.

Adam just smiled softly as he let Tommy nuzzle against his side and rest his hand on his stomach and head on his shoulder. It was how Tommy preferred to fall asleep on him lately. “You sure about this?”

“Yeah…” Tommy whispered taking a few deep breaths. After the success of that day he felt pretty satisfied and brave. He was just lying there motionless for a few minutes until he relaxed and felt Adam’s breathing becoming more even as he was slowly falling asleep after an eventful day. But Tommy had other plans.

He bit his lip and watched as his hand started drawing small circles on Adam’s flat stomach, inching lower and lower towards the edge of the black and gold cover that was up to their waists. He heard a breathy sigh as he ran his fingertips along the sensitive skin of Adam’s lower tummy.

“Tommy… what are you doing?” he heard from above and felt Adam’s hand move on his shoulder as Tommy’s fingertips disappeared under the edge of the cover. He was determined to reach his goal and the heat he felt with his fingertips was a good sign.

“I just… want to try something…” he whispered barely audible and sounded less sure than how he felt himself. It’s been months by now since they touched intimately and Tommy knew that this was the department where he’d have the most work to do.

“I can’t really promise to be able not to get too excited if you continue this… You know that, right?” Adam asked gently and Tommy could feel the shiver that made goose bumps appear all over his husband’s body when his curious fingers closed around the hardening meat. He gave him an experimental pull and it made Adam moan low.

Tommy looked up just in time to see the pleasure on his handsome face. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes closed as he enjoyed Tommy’s touches. That sight encouraged Tommy more and after wetting his palm with his saliva he rubbed him a bit harder, smearing pre-come all over to make it easier to work on his husband’s still growing cock. “I know… but I want to give you pleasure. You sacrificed so much to help me… Let me do this. I promise I’m feeling fine…” he said softly and returned Adam’s searching look.

“Okay… but stop whenever you feel uncomfortable…” Adam panted and caressed Tommy’s shoulder reassuringly.

The blonde man bit his lip again as he nodded then turned back his attention to what he was doing. Soon the cover slid lower and now he could see too how hard he made Adam. He nuzzled closer and put his head back on Adam’s chest as he was watching his hand working on his erection. His heart was beating wild, but to his relief, he seemed to be okay with giving a hand-job to his husband.

Sometimes he changed the pace and the intensity of his grip on the thick and long rod or twisted his palm over the head. He didn’t risk tasting him yet, but the telltale moans and the heaving of Adam’s chest under his head made it clear that he was enjoying this a lot without that too. He could feel his husband’s fingers twitch on his shoulder where he was holding him and the way he was moaning told Tommy that he was getting close quickly. No wonder after months without sex and when Adam had to probably rely only on his own hand.

“Baby… I’m gonna…” Adam panted warning Tommy, which only warmed the blonde’s heart again.

“It’s okay… come…” he whispered feeling the hard meat pulse in his grip and after three more strokes Adam shot his load all over his own stomach and Tommy’s hand. Adam was moaning loud as the blonde man stroked him through his orgasm until touching became too much.

Tommy slowly let him go and lifted his messy hand to his lips. He tentatively tasted Adam from his finger, happy that the taste didn’t bring any flashbacks. He felt Adam caress along his arm and back with a satisfied groan and Tommy turned his head to look up at him.

“Thank you, baby. It was wonderful. How are you feeling?” he asked already a little worried.

“I’m…” Tommy paused to look into himself “I’m fine,” he smiled at Adam relieved and leaned up to peck his lips before he reached over the other man’s body for the wash cloth. He cleaned up Adam then his own hand, letting Adam gently caress his back and side, deliberately avoiding Tommy’s ass as he thought he wouldn’t be ready for that and he didn’t want to push him anyways.

“I’m happy to hear that, baby. It’s wonderful!” Adam said genuinely happy for Tommy, who gave him one of his rare wide smiles. “Can I take care of you?” he asked casually, without pressure.

Tommy lied back next to Adam and bit his lip. He knew he was just half-hard. “I… I’m good, I think,” he said unsure.

“Baby…” Adam turned his face towards him gently and looked into Tommy’s eyes. “I don’t want you to associate sex or feeling pleasure with something bad or seeing it as an obligation. Please, let me help you to release some tension…” he asked softly. “Will you let me help you? You can ask me to stop any time, you know that.”

Tommy hesitated and chewed on his bottom lip for a moment then nodded. “Okay…” he finally said and took a deep breath.

“It’s just me, baby. I won’t hurt you. You know me,” he said reassuringly and laced their fingers together to squeeze them. “I’m gonna just do the same you did to me, okay?” he looked calmly into Tommy’s eyes who just nodded again and turned his head to look at the ceiling.

He hated it that it was so difficult just to accept the pleasure his husband wanted to give him. He was doing so well today, he was even a bit proud of himself. And he just gave a hand-job to Adam, so he didn’t have to be afraid of what was to come, did he? He nodded again more to reassure himself and closed his eyes, concentrating on his breathing as he felt Adam’s hand draw small circles on his stomach then thighs while whispering sweet nothings into his ear, telling him how beautiful he was, how much he missed such touches between them, how much he wanted to pleasure Tommy like this…

It all made Tommy relax more and when Adam finally managed to put him in the right mindset with his soft kisses on his face and shoulder and took his cock in his hand, he was nearly fully hard. A broken moan escaped him from the feeling and instinctively he slid a hand on Adam’s arm, but he didn’t know if he wanted to stop him or just hold on to something. His other hand was fisting around the sheet.

“Look at me, baby,” he asked quietly and Tommy did while Adam was slowly stroking him with a hand he wetted previously. “Let the guilt and bad feelings go and feel the pleasure, baby… Let me see you enjoy this,” he whispered stroking him a bit firmer and harder, remembering how Tommy liked to be touched.

Tommy made a whiny little sound in agreement and closed his eyes again as Adam showered his lips and face with gentle little kisses, his hand doing wonders to his body and broken soul.

Adam slowed the moves of his hand after a while and waited until Tommy opened his eyes again and looked at him. “Everything okay, baby?”

“Y-yeah…” he panted softly and couldn’t stop himself from lightly bucking into Adam’s hand. He bit his bottom lip when he realized he was already leaking. He had no idea he missed this feeling so much and the longer he let Adam stroke him and look into his eyes, the easier it got to push the negative feelings away and let himself go.

“Please, baby… I’d like to use my mouth on you too,” Adam caressed the messy blonde hair out of Tommy’s flushed face. “Is it okay? Will you let me?”

Tommy was too turned on and in need of his release by now to say no so he just nodded a few times. Adam pressed one last kiss on his lips before he kissed his way down to the hard cock he was still stroking slowly. When he sucked it in his mouth keeping his eyes on Tommy to see his every reaction, the pleasured man threw his head back and his body arched with lust as he finally let out a moan too.

Adam was always amazing with his mouth and it didn’t take very long for him to take Tommy to the brink. “Just let it go whenever you’re ready, baby,” he paused for a moment then circled his tongue around the tip before he sucked him all the way back into his mouth. He wanted to give pleasure to his husband which he very much deserved after depriving himself from it for so long. And Tommy finally seemed to be able to let himself go enough in that pleasure to soon shoot his seed into his husband’s mouth. Adam kept sucking and caressing the shivering and arching body. Tommy’s pleasure-filled cries were like music to his ears.

He quickly licked him clean and crawled back next to the shaking body. He noticed tears staining Tommy’s face and when he took him in his arms, he started sobbing. Adam gently rocked and caressed his back and hair. “It’s okay, baby. Let it all out,” he mumbled knowing that this was a very big step for Tommy and Adam wanted him to get rid of a good amount of tension he’s been bottling up in the past months. His heart was breaking all over feeling how desperately his husband was sobbing into his chest while holding on to him for dear life, but he was glad too, because he knew that things would be easier after this. For both of them.

***

Tommy couldn’t deny that he was excited and a bit nervous as he was walking up to the temple with Adam hand in hand. It was a special day in his studies of the ancient knowledge and the most serious one so far. Adam made sure he understood the importance of what they were about to do. Tommy watched as Adam placed a richly decorated bowl in the middle of the golden altar that was surrounded by the small amphitheatre-like stairs sunk into the floor. He was sitting on one of the big comfy pillows next to his husband and tried to memorize everything the other man did.

As they discussed previously, Adam waved for Tommy to put the necessary herbs in the right order into the bowl while he was murmuring in the ancient language Tommy’s started to learn a couple of weeks ago too. He bit his lip as he followed each step he had to memorize before doing it for real.

When the ingredients were all placed in the bowl, Tommy put his hands back on his thighs and waited for Adam to light the herbs. Soon enough a rich smell hit his nose from the smoke that curled up from the bowl. Now they were both chanting the same few lines. Adam took Tommy’s hand and nodded for him to close his eyes and start the meditation.

It was deeper this time because of the smoke and the singing bowl’s sound that was still resonating in Tommy’s mind and soul as he sank deeper and deeper into himself. It was always an interesting experience when he got more in tune with himself. Starting with his breathing then letting his heart’s steady beating calm down his mind and being. Once his thoughts quieted down he could feel his whole being starting to open up. They practiced a lot with Adam and by then he was getting quite good at it. He could feel Adam’s energies burning his palm and joining his own where they were touching and it made him feel safe and more relaxed as he let his husband’s quiet and even voice guide him deeper and deeper.

A calm peace came over Tommy, allowing him to let go of all the remaining anxiety and fears he was still harboring despite how far he’d come since he was back from the Volcanoes. He let himself be lulled by the smoke and Adam’s voice. It was nice and relaxing and he could feel himself resonating together with the universe. It brought a higher understanding of things as he let his instincts lead and his rational thoughts melt into the background.

Soon after he felt a subtle change in the air and he heard Adam’s voice. “Slowly open your eyes…” he asked on a soft tone, lightly squeezing Tommy’s fingers.

Tommy did as he was asked. His sight wasn’t clear. It seemed as if he was looking at the world through a thin veil, making the colors of his surroundings brighter and slightly out of focus. He was amazed by the sight as he never before was so deep in meditation to have such visions. While looking around holding the hand of his husband he finally looked at Adam and gasped amazed as he saw his energies dancing around him in different colors. The soft smile on his face while looking back at Tommy made the blonde’s heart flutter. They shared a chaste kiss and when the smaller man pulled back he caught movement from the corner of his eye.

He turned just to softly gasp at the sight of the graceful figure.

“Tommy, meet Goddess Aset, the protector of Oudjat and our nation,” Adam grinned and nodded to the goddess with respect as she was walking down the few stairs just to stop on the other side of the altar, a soft smile playing on her lips.

“King Thomas, it’s nice to see you well and finally meet you in person…” she said and Tommy felt too shocked and amazed to reply right away. He was in the presence of a goddess after all…

***

“You okay, baby?” he heard Adam’s voice and it brought Tommy back from his thoughts. He was sitting in one of the chairs of their bed chamber. Since they’ve got back from the temple a little while ago he’s been sitting there deep in thought. His mind was repeating the vision in which the beautiful goddess visited and talked to them about the recent happenings and a little bit about the future as well.

“Yeah…” he sighed with a small smile, feeling oddly satisfied by the whole experience. “This was… amazing!” he looked at Adam. “Overwhelming, but amazing! I had no idea you were able to converse with your gods like this!”

Adam chuckled softly as he took off his tunic, his mind still a bit hazy from the deep trance and the smoke that they’ve been breathing in. “Not every god answers the prayers or calls. More often than not Aset stays away and looks over us from the distance, but there are times, when in great need, she comes to me when I ask for advice,” he said putting his tunic on the back of a vacant chair.

“That’s why you wanted to teach me this? To be able to ask for her advice when in need?” Tommy asked letting his eyes get lost in the sea of freckles that was being revealed. When Adam didn’t reply right away Tommy looked up and saw that he caught him looking. The blonde man smiled and blushed a little.

“Yes. Her advices helped me make the right decision on numerous occasions.”

“You asked her before you came after me too?” Tommy asked quietly as he met Adam’s eyes again.

“I did,” he nodded and took off his rings – except his wedding band – and the necklaces he liked to wear.

Tommy stole another glance of his husband’s body, mesmerized by the dance of muscles under his skin. The strength that radiated from Adam nearly all the time always amazed the smaller man and he felt drawn to it, especially now when his senses were still not back to normal. “But she didn’t warn you about Neil and me, did she?” he asked barely audible, but the way Adam paused for a moment before he let a necklace fall into his jewelry box told Tommy that he heard him.

“No. I don’t think she can see the future in details or maybe she does, I don’t know. The point is – as you know by now – that she won’t say anything explicit. She likes to talk in riddles or gives only hints. I believe that everything happens with a reason and maybe she isn’t allowed to help that much, even if she knows what’s going happen…” he mused, a dark expression crossing his freckled face while thinking about his brother.

Tommy understood that look. Adam was still mourning his brother, although now he was more open to talk about him. Neil’s loss was hard on him and when Tommy got better, he realized that Adam probably escaped into trying to help him and deal with the kingdoms’ issues instead of dealing with the loss of his brother. But a few weeks ago, not long after the first time they pleasured each other sexually, they talked about Neil and what it meant for them to lose him. Tommy could still remember how both he and Adam blamed themselves for the tragic event. It took a few more conversations and tears to start getting over the void Neil’s death had left in Adam. And Tommy wanted to help his husband after all that he’s done for him. He could practically thank his sanity to Adam and Taylor.

“… she can give only her guidance. Even so… I believe that his loss was a part of a bigger plan… like getting closer to you, making me harder against our enemies and taking more responsibility over the kingdoms’ future or maybe something else that I don’t see yet…” he trailed off rubbing a gem stone in the necklace he was holding lost in thought.

Tommy quietly stood up from his chair and walked over. He put his hand on Adam’s arm and turned him to be face-to-face. His husband watched him a little curious as he reached up and pulled Adam down for a soft kiss.

“What was that for?” he asked with a tiny smile on his face.

“I like the way you think,” Tommy simply said and kissed him again. “Undress me,” he breathed a little heavier.

“You sure?” Adam whispered looking into the brown eyes.

“I am,” he nodded. Tommy knew that Adam probably thought this’d end in a hand or blow job like in the last few weeks since that night, but this time he was planning more. He let Adam loosen the belt that held his tunic together then stroke the light fabric off his body. There was still a little bad feeling left inside about his scars, but he always thought back at the times when Adam kissed them all and told him how much he loved him with those too. He always tried to hold on to that memory when the uneasiness tightened his throat. He was doing that now too and let himself get lost in the soft caresses on his sides and the small of his back while they were kissing slowly and sensually.

He wanted that dark look of grief and guilt gone from his husband’s eyes so he kept kissing him while he pushed down Adam’s underwear and slid a hand on the half-hard cock between his legs. The moan into his mouth told Tommy that he was on the right path and he let Adam pull him back towards the bed.

He soon found himself lying on it naked and aroused as their kisses continued. He always loved when Adam took them both in his hand to grind against velvety but hard flesh. It made both of them moan with lust, but this time Tommy’s heart was beating faster and he broke their kiss to look into Adam’s eyes. He bit his lip a little nervous while slowly bucking back against Adam.

“What is it?” the freckled man asked seeing that Tommy wanted to say something.

“I… I want to try it… for real this time,” he whispered barely audible and blushed again.

“What do you mean?” he asked wanting to know exactly what Tommy meant to avoid any misunderstandings.

Tommy took a deep breath and pulled his legs higher up to rub his thighs against Adam’s sides. “I want you to… fuck me,” he breathed.

“Oh baby… you think you’re ready for that?”

Tommy offered him a small smile and a nod. It always moved him how much Adam cared for him. He never pushed more than what was necessary for his healing and he appreciated it. Adam hesitated for a second as he thought Tommy should’ve waited a bit more with that, but the slender hand slid on his nape and he met a serious pair of brown eyes. “I want to try it. Please… I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”

Adam searched his eyes for a long minute then nodded. “Alright… but just tell me to stop any time you feel it’s getting too much, okay?”

“Okay, yeah,” Tommy nodded eagerly and returned the kiss he got from Adam before he started kissing his way down on his body. He was nervous and tense, but Adam’s tongue and teeth on his nipples could always do wonders to him. Not to mention his hand on his hard cock.

Tommy closed his eyes and arched his back as the skilled mouth took over the work of Adam’s hand. One hand found Adam’s dark hair, the other reached up above his own head to grab the headboard for support and some grounding. He was used to this by now, but in the last few weeks they never took it further from this point, so when Adam’s lips slid off his shaft and traced his balls before slipping further down to tease his perineum, Tommy’s moans got louder and his legs started shaking. But he still let Adam push his legs a bit further up to expose his hole. He felt more naked than ever before and it was an ambivalent feeling.

He gasped for air when he felt a wet tongue trace his hole after all these months. The feeling itself wasn’t bad, but he still bit his lip and opened his eyes to stop the uneasy feeling’s return. He could feel Adam’s attention on him, but he didn’t dare to look at him while he slicked him and his fingers up with some oil from the bedside table.

“It’s just me, baby. Breathe and relax,” he whispered soothingly and caressed Tommy’s thigh as he placed the tip of his middle-finger against his opening. A quiet whimper escaped Tommy as the finger slowly slid half-way in. His body clenched down on it to stop the intrusion and he panted for air. He tried to calm his breathing as his hands now fisted around the sheets. “Baby, I can stop if you want me to…”

“No… no! Keep going!” Tommy shook his head with closed eyes and pushed against the finger. Adam’s lips back on his cock gave him some distraction and soon the finger was all the way in. His body started to ease up and his breathing slowed down too as he opened his eyes and looked down at Adam. He was watching him with some worry in his eyes but otherwise tried to appear reassuring, his other hand never stopping his soothing caresses on his thigh.

Tommy nodded when a second finger was pressed against his opening and he concentrated on relaxing his muscles as much as possible. He hated it that this proved to be more difficult to him than expected. He thought that with his senses still a bit lulled by the smoke and the vision it’d be easier. Still, he forced himself to let the second thick finger in too. He let the headboard go and his fingers clutched tighter around the sheets as he looked down between his legs to watch the two digits moving in and out of him. A few minutes passed by like this before Adam lined up a third finger.

“You okay, baby? Want more?” Adam asked gently.

Tommy moved his hips a little and nodded again. “Yes… Keep going!” he panted and braced himself for the slight burn of the stretch. When the picture of his captors’ face flashed in front of him doing the same thing to him but with very little lube and roughly, he quickly opened his eyes and gasped for air, moving down on Adam’s fingers. He wanted them to go away. He wanted to be able to do this! He wanted to get over with it and leave his insecurities behind. “More!” he urged Adam, missing the worried look return on the freckled face.

His husband didn’t protest though just pushed the third finger all the way in too and made sure to curl them as soon as possible in search for that magical spot. Until he found it Tommy was taking deep breaths and he buried his face in one of the pillows. The discomfort grew for a moment as more memories flashed back, but then a shock of pleasure shot through him making him cry out. “Oh yes, right there!” he cried and moved against Adam’s fingers to get more of that amazing feeling he’d missed so much and on which he wanted to concentrate instead.

Adam kept pleasuring him like that, ready to make Tommy come on his fingers and into his mouth, but after a while the blonde pulled on his hair. “Please… fuck me now.”

The dark-haired man slid off his cock and looked up at Tommy, still massaging his prostate with his fingers. He hesitated for a moment but the lust and need in his husband’s eyes made him surrender to his will. He slowly withdrew his fingers and knelt up to slick up his cock. “Turn around, baby. It’s easier that way as it’s been a while…” he trailed off and Tommy nodded and turned on his stomach, his limbs shaking as he pressed his cheek against the pillow, hands fisting in the sheets again.

He could feel his heart beating in his throat again as he felt Adam adjust him and caress his thighs and ass. He tried to ignore the fact that his scars were now on display all over his back, ass and thighs, or the flashbacks the position brought with. He gritted his teeth together as he closed his eyes, trying to breathe steadily. He has to do this. He can do this! “Please…” he said on a broken voice, the growing fear urging him to do it now before he backed out.

“Baby… you’re so tense. I don’t think…”

“Just do it!” Tommy cut in and hated that the few moments Adam hesitated felt like an eternity before he pressed his wide tip against his prepared hole.

“Take it, my little liar slut! I know you love my dick up in your tight little ass!” Vito chuckled and rammed into him without mercy. The burn was sharp as the hard meat made its way into him, stretching Tommy too fast. He tried to get free, but he was tied up, gagged and held down by the back of his neck. Hot tears were streaming down his face as he yelled against the gag, pain making him shudder as his body was used against his will…

A wave of panic hit Tommy hard and he started panting and moving away from Adam, although his tip was just barely inside. The blonde man was shaking like a leaf and he realized that hot tears escaped his eyes just like in the memory he just saw and felt so clear as if it was happening all over. He whined and scrambled further away on the bed. “No… please, don’t…” he whined and curled up on his side into a small ball, hiding his face in his arm. Half-heartedly he was waiting for the beating for the disobedience as the panic was still gripping his throat and heart, his vision blurring.

“Baby… baby, it’s okay,” Adam hurried to reassure him as he crawled to his side, but didn’t try to touch him. “Just breathe with me. Come on, Tommy… breathe with me,” he asked worried while his heart broke all over again from his husband’s reaction, but that didn’t matter now. First he had to calm him down. It seemed Tommy heard him because he picked up the rhythm of Adam’s breathing and in a couple of minutes he calmed down enough not to hyperventilate or pass out. The panic’s grip eased up and his tears slowly stopped too. He felt the bed dip next to him so he knew Adam was lying on his side now, facing him. But Tommy didn’t dare to lift his arm and look at him. He felt ashamed and useless and it made him choke again.

“I’m sorry…” he whined feeling pathetic.

“It’s not your fault, love,” Adam said carefully putting his hand on Tommy’s tattooed forearm which hid his face. “Look at me, please,” he asked softly and waited until Tommy did. Adam wiped the rest of his tears away with his thumb and gave him a little sad but reassuring smile. “We should’ve waited with this. It’s okay. We’ll try some other time, alright?”

“But I thought… I thought I was ready. But I heard him… felt him forcing himself into me and I just… I just panicked… I’m so sorry… I’m such a disappointment!” Tommy whispered trying not to whimper again. “I so wanted to do this… I thought I can… I wanted to stop being afraid… wanted to give pleasure to you… as you went through a lot as well and I felt selfish… and I am selfish!”

“No, baby, you aren’t. You’re still healing and I’ve already told you that I’ll wait for you as long as I have to,” he murmured sliding closer and pulling Tommy into a loose and gentle embrace. He pressed a kiss against his forehead and let him hide in his chest. “We’ll get through this too, baby. Give time to yourself.”

“But I didn’t want to wait anymore. I’m sick of waiting. I wanted to feel good about sex, about pleasuring you,” he sniffed and held Adam closer as he inhaled the familiar and calming scent of his husband.

“Clearly you can’t force these things. But I could see how much you wanted to pleasure me…” he said and hummed for a moment. Tommy sensed that he wasn’t ready and he was right. “You really want to give and get pleasure tonight, huh?”

“Yeah…” Tommy frowned lightly and pulled back enough to be able to look into Adam’s calm blue eyes. “But I don’t think I can…”

“No, I know, baby. What if we approached this from the wrong way?” Adam raised a brow.

“What do you mean?” Tommy shook his head feeling lost.

“Maybe instead of me topping you, you should try topping me…” he said calmly and Tommy’s mouth fell.

“WHAT?!”

“Why are you acting so surprised? I’ve told you at the very beginning that I let those top me whom I trust and love…”

“But…” Tommy was still practically speechless from shock. Adam never let him top before.

“Tommy… baby, you know I trust and love you,” he said sliding a hand on his neck so he could rub the smooth cheek with his thumb. “Maybe being in control instead of being controlled would help to let yourself go and not associate penetration with something bad… So… what do you say?”

Tommy bit his lip and watched Adam for a good minute while thinking about what his husband just said. It made sense to him, but he was still surprised that he’d offer something like this. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to fuck him. It was more like… it put a different kind of stress on him. But he thought he could deal with pleasuring Adam this way. “Okay… we can try,” he nodded and uncurled with a calmer expression.

Adam smiled at him and offered his lips for a kiss which Tommy gave him. As Adam gave control over the kiss, Tommy’s confidence slowly returned and soon he was lying on top of the bigger man. He could feel himself getting hard again and he didn’t miss Adam’s erection pressing against his thigh either. He still couldn’t believe Adam gave permission to this. That he wanted this. He was the embodiment of dominance, but Tommy figured there were times when he wanted to give up control too and just let the right partner take care of him. It seemed their relationship reached that point where Adam felt comfortable enough to offer this – besides wanting to help on Tommy, of course. And maybe he longed to be cared for after all the bad things that had happened to them lately.

While thinking about this Tommy found himself kissing and biting on Adam’s nipples as he was oiling up his fingers. He looked up at his husband who was flushed and clearly felt pleasure from each touch and the way Tommy’s fingers slowly worked him open. A haze of lust wiped the blonde man’s mind clear and he slowly got lost in Adam’s needy blue gaze while he brushed his wet tip against his hole.

“Please baby… let me feel you inside,” Adam panted clearly turned on like hell as his hard and heavy cock was already leaking pre-cum on his stomach.

Tommy nodded then moaned as he slowly started sliding inside. He felt relieved that no bad memories came back this time as he buried himself deeper and deeper until he finally bottomed out and stilled. Adam gave him a throaty groan and Tommy gave into the urge to kiss him passionately.

“Oh gracious gods! You feel so good, baby…” Adam groaned sliding his big hands down on Tommy’s scarred back to cup his small ass.

“Want me to move?” he panted with a questioning look.

“If you’re okay then please yes…” he nodded a few times and licked his freckled lips as he pulled his legs a bit higher and put them around Tommy’s sides to give better access.

“I’m good… I promise,” he said and he didn’t lie this time, he really felt good and turned on as the novelty of this fascinated him. He started remembering how it felt to be the one dominating the other. He remembered how much he loved to fuck his lovers like this and it made him more confident. He made sure he didn’t revisit his memories about Carlo back when they were still lovers. No, now he was focusing on pleasuring his husband. While rolling his hips back and forth, he looked down at the freckled and flushed face that was swimming in the pleasure he deserved so much.

Tommy could see each step Adam took to surrender to his control and fall apart under him. He never heard him moan this way or saw this kind of calm on his face as he was enjoying the deep and intense thrusts against his prostate. It was more than just making love to him. Tommy felt himself more connected to him than ever before and the fact that he was topping him was just one of the reasons. The others were the way he finally wasn’t afraid to give in to the sexual pleasures he’s been struggling with lately, and that this ran deeper, touching their souls which seemed to melt into one as Tommy pressed his whole body against his husband’s and kissed him deeply. It was a magical moment and he wanted to make it last as long as possible while their feelings for each other were filling them just like Tommy’s seed soon filled Adam’s shaking and sweaty body for the first time.

The shared orgasm made Tommy lose control and shake and shiver atop of Adam as he was moaning his pleasure into the other man’s mouth. It was overwhelming and it felt like he let another shackle fall off him. He knew he had a few more and that it’d take time to get rid off all, but he was just so happy and serene in that moment that he didn’t care about anything else. He was grateful that Adam made this possible. Without him he had no idea in what state he’d have been at that moment. Probably he’d be still in a very dark place, but the warmth and love this freckled man gave him helped him through the worst period of his life and now he dared to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He had no idea he needed Adam’s deep trust and offer to take yet another step in his recovery, but he could already tell that it was working. A weight was lifted off his heaving chest and it was as if he could finally take a deep cleansing breath.

As Tommy opened his eyes and looked down at the blissful man underneath, some things just clicked into place and he had to gasp from yet another revelation. This was the moment he talked to his sister about.

“Adam…” he whispered still breathing a bit quicker.

“Yes, baby?” he asked as he looked up at him with hazy blue eyes and a satisfied expression.

“I love you,” Tommy simply said and there was no hesitation in his voice. He could see the moment it dawned on Adam what he just said and the radiating smile he was rewarded with made Tommy warm all over.

“Really?” Adam asked with a little disbelief as it was the first time Tommy said it out loud.

“Yeah…” he grinned down at him and let Adam pull him in for a sensual and deep kiss.

“I love you too, Tommy. From the bottom of my heart… Forever,” he whispered on his lips in the half-light of their bed chamber.

Next chapter

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